PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




SOME NEW PLAYS 

"^ MOLLY BAWN# 35 cents. A comedy drama in 4 acts, by Marie Doran. 
7 male, 4 female characters (or by doubling, 5 male and 3 female). Time, about 2 
hours. Based upon incidents from a story by "The Duchess. "_ The story is woven 
about Eleanor Masserene {Molly Bawn), whose mother eloped with a young Irishman, 
which has so embittered her grandfather that he disinherited her. After many years 
of loneliness he sends for Molly. How the coquettish heiress wiris the hard, old man, 
is worked out in the play sometimes in a comedy setting and again in strong dramatic • 
tenseness. $10.00 royalty per performance by amateurs, 

^UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK; or. Married In Ttirty 

Days. 25 cents. A comedy in 5 acts, by O. E. Young. 6 male, 6 female charac- ' 
ters. I interior scene. Time, 2 hours. Charles Chester, a young man of leisure, 
succeeds in running up several bills. At last his landlord, facob Sharp, threatens to 
imprison him unless his board bill is paid. His aunt's promise to help him out for the 
last time if he marries within thirty days forces him to propose to every girl he meets, 
which naturally gets him into more trouble. Through his effort to get out of the 
tangle many funny situations arise. Among the characters are a very funny chamber-' 
maid and her sweetheart, a darkey cook, a comical bellhop, a clever detective, etc. 

^WAIT AND SEE* 25 cents. A comedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. 
Clifford. 7 males, 7 females, i easy interior. Time, i^4 hours. At a week end 
party one of the guests endeavors to purloin an important document, compelling a girl 
over whom he believes he has control to assist him. While they are trying to open the 
safe they are discovered by the butler who proves to be an old trusted retainer of the 
girl s father. Although the man tries to fasten the guilt upon the butler and the girl, 
he is unsuccessful and a happy climax is reached. Among others it hasjan excellent 
soubrette role, 

*WIVES;ON A STRIKE. 25 cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian 
Sutton Pelee, 6 male, 7 or more female characters. Time, 3 hours, 3 interior 
scenes. Costumes varied. At a meeting of the Wives Welfare Club, it is decided to 
"go on Strike" and /ane Spink is to make the test case. The wives' grievances 
greatly amuse Betty, a bride of 30 days, who boasts of her husband's angelic qualities. 
Her first offence of having supper late causes such a row that Betty also decides to 
*'go on strike." Betty's scheme to make her husband change his set ideas about 
woman's rights is the cause of all the mix-up. How the strike is won and the hus- 
bands taken back is cleverly depicted in the play, A parrot who swears at the right 
moment adds to the funny situations. 

'AtHIS sisters. 25 cents. A farce in 1 act; by Beulah King. 1 male, 
and 8 female characters •, or 9 female characters as the male may easily be impersonated 
by a female character, i interior. Time, 30 minutes. Three sisters, who adore their 
handsome older brother, secretly plot to have him marry their particular friends* 
How their plans are all upset and matters finally smoothed out is cleverly told in this 
play, 

"ji^SUlTED AT LAST* 2S cents, a sketch in I act, by Elizabeth 
Urquhart. 7 females and a discharged soldier, i interior. Time, about 40 
minutes. Dorothy, a newly-wed wife, is in search of a cook; her mother, herchum, 
her Aunt Jane give much advice as to how she shall interview the various applicants, 
in fact, so much so, that Dorothy is utterly confused and finally engages just what 
her husband has advised from the beginning. 

*ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 3S cents, a collection of short mono- 
logues suitable particularly for encores, but are available for any occasion to fill in for 
a few minutes ; contains black-face, Hebrew, a fond mother, a rube monologue, etc, 

*GORGEOUS CECILE. The. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 
Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters, i interior. Time, 2 hours. Max, the 
son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
remained obdurate to all of their matrimonial plans. Upon his return home for a 
visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are 
frustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns. The parts are all good 
and well contrasted, with sparkling dialogue and plenty of action. 



Unacquainted With Work 



or 



Married in Thirty Days 
A Comedy-Drama in Five Acts 



By 
O. E. YOUNG 

Author of '* Little Red Mare,"' "Riding the Goat,' 
"Major Kelly s Cork Leg," etc. 



Copyright, 1920, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



ff? 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzqeralb 

18 Vesey Street JSJew ^ork 



^^' 



'Q 



OCT -5 1920 



iQCiD 53707 



Note. — The professional acting and moving picture 
rights of this play are expressly reserved by the pub- 
lishers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce 
it should apply. Amateur representation may be made 
without such application and without charge. 



Unacquainted With Work 

or 
Married in Thirty Days 



CHARACTERS 



Charlie Chester, A young man unacquainted with work 

Jacob Sharp A landlord who wants his money 

Billy Briefless, 

Just admitted to the bar, in love with Elsie 
Mike Murphy, 

A pugilistic aspirant and Biddy* s young man 
Bennie Bellhopp. .Bellboy at ''The Drummer's Best'' 
Justus Ketchum {to double with Mandy) A detective 

Elsie Andrews. Jacob's niece 

Biddy McMullen A chambermaid 

Aramantha Artichoke, 

A wealthy widow, Charlie's aunt 
Andromeda Applewood, 

Agent for ''A Daughter of the Gods" 

Sally Sausage A "dark lady" and a cook 

Mandy Murch A scrub woman; later the detective 

Time. — The present. 
Locality. — A small village. 

Time of Playing. — Two and a half hours. 
3 



4 Unacquainted With Work 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Parlor of **The Drummer's Rest," a small 
village hotel. 
Act II. — Same as Act I, one week later. 
Act III. — Same as Act II, a few days later. 
Act IV. — Same as Act III, one week later. 
Act V. — Same as Act IV, the twenty-ninth day. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Charlie Chester, age twenty-three; medium size, 
good-looking and pleasing in manners; well, though 
somewhat foppishly dressed in a summer suit such as 
might be worn at the seaside or a mountain resort, some- 
what pronounced in style; has a small mustache and 
light hair, somewhat wavy. 

Jacob Sharp, age sixty; tall, lanky and awkward; 
somewhat bald, with long, stringy hair a little gray ; has 
a white ' ' Uncle Sam ' ' chin beard and wears glasses ; ill- 
fitting gray business suit, white shirt, celluloid collar and 
black tie; appears like typical well-to-do farmer; wears 
soft, black felt hat with wide, flopping brim on occasion. 

Billy Briefless, age twenty-five ; small, dark, smooth- 
faced, plain, inferior and cunning in appearance and 
manner; wears a dark, somewhat shabby business suit, 
a striped negligee shirt with gorgeous tie ; when need be, 
wears a stiff black hat, a little rusty and out of style. 

Mike Murphy, age twenty-eight; more than medium 
size, but quick-motioned and alert ; hair black, cut short 
and worn pompadour; smooth shaven, but beard shows 
blueblack under skin; has on checked suit of *'loud*' 
pattern, a blue flannel shirt with screaming red tie, sport- 
ing huge horseshoe pin; wears ponderous watchguard 
across vest ; generally has on a Scotch cap with visor 
pulled down over one ear and shading an eye. 

Justus Ketchum, age forty-five ; medium size, quiet 
and unobtrusive in manners, but quick and alert upon 
occasion; smooth faced and wears gold bowed gh 



Unacquainted With Work 5 

has on plain business suit, neat and in good taste but 
not such as to attract attention ; wears a pearl-gray felt 
hat, white shirt and a standing collar, with a plain blue 
tie. As Mandy Murch has straggly, yellow-brown wig, 
wears a faded calico dress skirt of exaggerated pattern, 
a shabby black shawl and a battered old hat ; she is af- 
flicted with toothache and has face tied up in a red 
bandana. 

Bennie Bellhopp, age fifteen, small, freckled and red- 
headed; pert and saucy in appearance; wears blue 
knickerbocker suit with brass buttons, and a blue cap 
when required; fancy shirt and bright tie, in bow with 
flowing ends. 

Elsie Andrews, age twenty-one; slender and pretty 
with abundant hair becomingly arranged; has on neat, 
well-fitting house dress with a white collar, blue ribbons 
and a coquettish little ruffled white apron, with pockets. 
Attractive and good to look at. 

Biddy McMullen, age twenty-five, short, dumpy and 
weighs two hundred and a quarter; pimply, red-faced 
and tow-headed ; hair looks like a bewitched barley stack ; 
waddles when she walks; has on a red dress with huge 
black-and-white figure, half way to knee in front but 
much longer in back, a big gingham apron in large blue- 
and-white checked pattern, huge, flapping slippers, and 
wrinkled white stockings. Has a ''sloppy" appearance 
generally. 

Aramantha Artichoke, age sixty-five; small and 
weazened but spry and active; wears glasses; has an 
abundance of brown hair, somewhat gray, parted in 
middle and combed smoothly down over her ears; wears 
plain dark dress and white apron at home; traveling 
dress of black silk, a red shawl with old-fashioned 
''Panama" figure in black; old-styled black velvet bon- 
net with a bunch of cherries on it. 

Andromeda Apple wood, age forty; tall and spare and 
dresses young; wears short, tight -fitting walking suit of 
showy appearance, elaborately trimmed with laces and 
ribbons ; wears abundance of jewelry and has hair fluffed 



6 Unacquainted With Work 

and curled prodigiously ; huge picture hat with profusion 
of trimming, bronze boots, of considerable size, with 
tassels, and pale blue stockings ; carries a big red book. 

Sally Sausage, age twenty-eight; a "chocolate-drop," 
plump, with frizzled hair, ultra-fashionably attired in 
colors that fairly shriek, with gorgeous hat; wears a 
pearl-colored veil and green kid gloves in first act. 

Mandy Murch. See Justus Ketchum. 

PROPERTIES 

Charlie. — Hat, gloves, bundle of tradesmen's letters, 
empty pocketbook, fountain pen, several coins, knife, 
bunch of keys, and a corkscrew. 

Jacob. — Fountain pen, bill, bond, fat pocketbook. 

Billy. — Bill, revolver. 

Justus. — Big leather pocketbook, handcuffs. 

Elsie. — Feather duster, bandages. 

Biddy. — Broom. 

Andromeda. — Big red book. 

Mandy.— Scrubbing brush, big dishpan, flask. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center. 
d. c, door at center; d. r., door at right; d. l., door at 
left. Up means toward back of stage;- down, toward 
footlights. 



Unacquainted With Work 



or 



Married in Thirty Days 



ACT I 

SCENE.— ParZor of ''TJie Drummer's Rest,'' fur- 
nished in the manner of a country hotel in a small 
New England village. Door at c, leading to cor- 
ridor and the hotel apartments. Door at r. leading 
to rooms occupied by the family and help. Door 
at L. leading to the street. Large Morris chair 
DOWN R. c. Tahle down l. c. with small chairs at 
each end. Letters on table, also bell. Other fur- 
niture ad libitum. 

ENTER D. L. Charlie, wearing hat, gloves, etc. 

Charlie {removing gloves). Gee! Skinner and 
Soakum won't let me have any more clothes till I pay 
up — and I haven't a penny! {Advances and throws hat 
and gloves on table) Hullo! {Takes handful of letters 
from table and shuffles them over) More bills ! Pay in- 
side of thirty days, of course ! ( Throws down letters un- 
opened) If Auiit Aramantha would only shell out — 
but no, she's as hard-hearted as my landlord's niece, who 
refuses to marry me unless I work. {Sits l. of table) 
Work! The idea! I'm not acquainted with the gentle- 
man. 

ENTER Jacob d. r., bill in hand, and goes c. 

Jacob. Well, Mr. Chester, pay your board for the 
last six months. 
Charlie (asicZe). Oh, Lord! Another one! 

7 



8 Unacquainted With Work 

Jacob (handing hill). Here's yer bill, sir. 

Charlie (takes it and goes l. as he looks it over, 
scratching his head desperately; aside). Three hundred 
and ninety dollars ! 

Jacob. It's right, isn't it? 

Charlie (going hack hastily and throiving hill on tahle 
with assumed carelessness). Oh, yes. I'll attend to it. 
You must excuse me now. Important business! 
(Snatches up hat and gloves and starts l.) 

Jacob (getting hetween him and door). This is im- 
portant business. 

Charlie (in desperation). A-all right, Mr. Sharp — 
but I've got to go. It's very important. (Starts l.) 

Jacob (angrily, detaining him). Where ye goin'? 

Charlie. My poor old grandmother has the grip. I 
don 't think she '11 pull through. 

Jacob (sarcastically). Too bad! — ^but I know a worse 
case. 

Charlie. Who? 

Jacob. Her poor little grandson — he's in the **grip" 
of the law. I don't think he'll pull through. 

Charlie (aside). If it were not for his niece I'd 
hand him one and beat it. 

Jacob (pointing). Come! I'm waiting to receipt 
that bill. 

Charlie (ivith assumed airiness) . Keep on waiting — 
but I'll have to go. ''Olive oil," Landlord. (Waves 
hand and starts l,. again) 

Jacob (savagely). Stop! I won 't wait any longer. 

Charlie. All right ; don 't. Receipt it now. (Starts 
again) 

Jacob. Not till I get my money — so shell out. (Gets 
hetiveen him and door) 

Charlie (ivith assumed carelessness) . You'll have to 
call again. I only have a big bill. 

Jacob. I'll change it. (Takes out fat pockethook) 

Charlie (clutching hair with hoth hands, aside). The 
devil! He said he needed money! 

Jacob (opening pockethook). How big is yer bill? 



Unacquainted With Work 9 

Charlie {taking out Ms pockethook and Jiolding it so 
audience can see it is empty; magniloquently) . A thou- 
sand dollars. 

Jacob {in amazement ; mouth open) . What! 

Charlie {importantly). That's the smallest I have. 

Jacob {dumbfounded) . I can't change that. 

Charlie {relieved). Then come in when you can. 
Good-bye. {Tries to get by him) 

Jacob {still detaining him) . I '11 take yer check. 

Charlie {aside, in desperation, taking fountain pen 
from pocket and trying it on thumbnail). My pen is 

dry. 

Jacob. Here's mine. {Offers it) 

Charlie {takes it reluctantly ; searching pockets; 
aside). What can I give him a check on — a sand-bank? 

Jacob {ingratiatingly) . I need the money. 

Charlie {aside). So do I! {Aloud) I've lost my 
check-book. Here's your pen. {Forces it on him) I 
must go to my grandmother's funeral. {Starts l. again) 

Jacob {in amazement) . You just said she was sick. 

Charlie. She's dead now, anyway. Good-bye. 
{Starts again) 

Jacob {catching him by arm). I don't believe yer 
gran 'inarm 's dead. 

Charlie {turning angrily). You don't believe my 
gi'andmother is dead. If she isn't I can't bury her, 
can I? 

Jacob. Not unless you tie her. 

Charlie {quickly). Wouldn't she object then? 
She 'd be a fool if she didn 't. 

Jacob {angrily). I don't b'lieve you ever had a 
gran 'marm. 

Charlie. Then I wonder where my father was born. 

Jacob {mixed). I — I wonder if it wouldn't be a won- 
der if you didn 't wonder— I mean 

Charlie {breaking in). Even if I never had a 
grandmother, I've got to go and see if she's dead or 
alive — and burj^ her if she is. {Starts off) 

Jacob {following him up, resolutely) . Look here, Mr. 



10 Unacquainted With Work 

Charles Chester, Esq., Jr., D. D., LL. D., D. E. A. D, 
B. E. A. T., I want my money right off, and unless I 
get it right off there's goin' to be suthin' dewin'. 

Charlie (airily). Ah! Mr. Jacob Sharp, Landlord, 
0. S., B. C, S. K. I. N. F. L. I. N. T., if I don't pay you 
right off, how the devil are you going to get it right off? 

Jacob (in a rage). I will have it. 

Charlie. If you get it before I can, you're welcome. 

Jacob. You've got ter git it. 

Charlie. How ? 

Jacob (snorting). Work! 

Charlie. I 'm not acquainted with him. 

Jacob (collaring him, furiously). Then come down 
in my coal cellar and git acquainted with him. (Drags 
Mm R.) 

Charlie (struggling). What are you doing ? 

Jacob. Doing up a dead beat. Come on! (Drags 
Jiim hy collar) 

Charlie (struggling) . I won't. 

Jacob. We'll see 'bout that. (CatcJies him hy coat- 
tail with one hand) Come along! (Tugs; Charlie 
holds out arms and coat comes off over his head; Jacob 
sits violently) 

Charlie (making elaborate how, with flourish of hoth 
hands) . That 's right ; when you're tired, sit down and rest. 

Jacob (scramhling to feet; furiously, with fist 
clenched) . Grin, darn ye ! Grin till ye look more like 
a monkey than ever ! 

Charlie (with affected pity). Poor g'anpa! Has 
'oo dot de tummy-ache ? 

Jacob (raving). I'll make a gran 'pa of you! 

Charlie (howing again). Thanks! I'd rather you 
made me a nephew-in-law. 

Jacob. I '11 see you hanged fust ! 

Charlie. So will your charming relative. Don't 
worry ; you '11 get your money. 

Jacob (eagerly). When? 

Charlie. When Aunt Aramantha dies and leaves me 
hers. 



Unacquainted With Work 11 

Jacob. She never will. 

Charlie. Won't die? That's what you said about 
my grandmother. 

Jacob. No, leave you her money. 

Charlie. I'm her only relative. 

Jacob. If ye hadn't been, yer bill never 'd run till 
this time. 

Cpiarlie. She must go soon. 

Jacob. The Lord forbid! She's boarded here for 
years and paid prompt — and you must. 

Charlie. All right — when I smash that thousand. 

Jacob. You ain't got no thousand-dollar bill. No 
seeh critter in town. 

Charlie. Then how can I pay you ? 

Jacob. You can't, — unless ye go ter work. 

Charlie. Out of the question. Keep my coat. 

Jacob. I wouldn't be caught dead in it. Take yer 
old monkey jacket. (Throws it at Mm) 

Charlie (catching and putting it on). Thanks! 
Now what about the bill ? 

Jacob (savagely). I'll sue ye an' git a verdick. 
Then if ye don't pay I'll keep ye in jail till ye rot. 

Charlie (alarmed). You can 't do that ! 

Jacob. 'Squire Billy Briefless says so. 

Cpiarlie. He never had a case — and scarcely ever 
told the truth. 

Jacob. I b'lieve him — an' ye '11 git acquainted with 
work then. Our jailor works the prisoners like niggers. 

Charlie (pleadingly). You couldn't be so hard on 
your nephew-in-law-to-be ! 

Jacob. Ye won't be that; I won't hev ye. 

Charlie (ruefully). Your niece won't, either. I'll 
pay you. 

Jacob. Where '11 ye git the money? 

Charlie. From Aunt Aramantha. I'll have to have 
time to bring her round, though. 

Jacob (suspiciously). How much time? • 

Charlie (airily). Oh, six months. 

Jacob. And keep right on boardin' ye? 



12 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie. Sure! I can't go that long without board. 

Jacob {resolutely). No! Pay up — or tlie stone 
boardin '-house for you! 

Charlie (nervously). How can I pay you without 
money 1 

Jacob (viciously). Cussed if I know! — unless you git 
acquainted with Avork. 

Charlie. I don't like strangers. Have you no pity? 

Jacob. Not a morsel. 

Charlie. Aunt Aramantha will pay you — or die and 
leave me her money. Then I can pay. 

Jacob. I do think she likes you — though she's no fool 
other ways. (Reflects) I'll hev to pay yer board if I 
jug ye. 

Charlie (eagerly). Yes, yes 

Jacob. I '11 gamble a leetle. I will give ye more time. 

Charlie (seizing Ms hand and wringing it). The 
Lord bless you! How much? 

Jacob (hr caking away and ruhhing shoulder) . Don't 
onscrew my arm ; I might want ter hug the hired gal. 

Charlie. And one wouldn't be enough; she's too fat. 
How much time ? 

Jacob (striking fist in palm) . Thirty days! 

Charlie (m despair). Not enough! Three months — 
two months 

Jacob (hanging fist on tahle). Not another minute! 
In thirty days — or the stone jug! [EXIT d. r. 

Charlie (pacing stage). It's enough to make me 
cuss grandmother — if I ever had one ! My only hope is 
Aunt Aramantha. (Rings hell) 

ENTER Bennie b. p. 

Bennie. Did you ring, sir ? 

Charlie. Sure thing. (Rapidly) Will you be so 
kind as to fly to my aged and respected relative, and beg 
me the boon of a few moments' social intercourse with 
her Most Serene and Potent Majesty? 

Bennie (hewildered). Her which, sir? 



Unacquainted With Work 13 

Charlie. Pshaw, Bennie! You must have been 
brought up backward. 

Bennie (sulkily). I was brung up all right and know 
United States, but I was never no good at ' ' Hog Latin. ' ' 

Charlie. Then ask my aunt, Mrs. Artichoke, if I can 
see her a few minutes on important business. 

Bennie {crossly). Very good, sir. [EXIT d. c. 

Charlie. That boy's intellect certainly needs culti- 
vating — if not plowing and harrowing. (Starts) Here 
she comes! Now for Aunt Aramantha's pocketbook — 
I mean Artichoke ! 

ENTER Aramantha d. c. 

Aramantha. Hullo, Charlie! The bellhop said you 
wanted me. 

Charlie (rusJiing up stage and taking Tier hand ten- 
derly). Of course I do! (With a languishing look) 
I always want you, best and dearest of your sex. (Leads 
her down) 

Aramantha. Fiddlesticks! What about this im- 
portant business ? 

Charlie (seating her l. of table). Don't bother your 
head about business now. Away with business ! ( With 
a wide gesture) How well you look! (Crosses and sits 
R. of table) 

Aramantha (shrewdly) . "What do you want now? 

Charlie (reproachfully). Could I want anything 
when you are here ? 

Aramantha. Cut it out, Charles. Save your soft 
soap for the girls. I 'm too old. 

Charlie. Old? Never! 

Aramantha (laughing). Get down to business, you 
flatterer. 

CuARhiE (hesitating) . I hate. to — but (Pauses) 

Aramantha. Go ahead. 

Charlie. Well — if you insist 

Aramantha. I dew. 

Charlie (shamefacedly) . It is the same old story. 

Aramantha (dryly). I thought so. How much? 



14 Unacquainted With Work 

C H ARLiE ( hiding fac e). D on 't ask me. 

Aramantha. Be a man — if ye can! {Relentlessly) 
How much? 

Charlie {desperately). Three hundred and ninety 
dollars. 

Aramantha. Some bill! What's it for? 

Charlie {face Jiidden in hands). Board. 

Aramantha. You must be a big eater. How long 
did it take ye ? 

Charlie {faltering). S-six months. 

Aramantha. Has yer board run ever sence ye Ve ben 
here? {He nods mutely) I'm 'shamed o' ye! Haven't 
I made ye an allowance ? 

Charlie {burying face in arms on table). Don't, 
Aunt Aramantha ! 

Aramantha {sternly). You know I have! What 
did ye dew with it ? 

Charlie. For God's sake, don't! 

Aramantha {with cutting scorn) . Why not? What 
have ye done with the money I give ye? 

Charlie {sitting up, flinging hair from forehead and 
throwing head hack defiantly). I spent it — like the gen- 
tleman I am. You would not want your sister's son to 
be a disgrace to you. 

Aramantha. My sister's son has been a disgrace to 
me. {He starts hack) Is this all you owe? 

Charlie (offended). I decline to answer. 

Aramantha {hitterly). You needn't; the answer is 
here. {Takes hills from tahle) What hev ye earned 
while these bills was accumulatin ' ? 

Charlie {defiantly). Not one cent! I told you when 
I came here — at your invitation, that I was unacquainted 
with work. 

Aramantha {cuttingly). And you intend ter ask me 
ter pay for yer extravagance — ^because my sister had a 
son like you ! 

Charlie {still defiantly). I had intended to. 

Aramantha {not understanding ^ in hitter anger). I 
will never do it ! 



Unacquainted With Work 16 

Charlie {haughtily) . Why refuse till you are asked ? 

Aramantha {quickly). What do you mean? 

Charlie. You have shown me what a weak, worth- 
less thing I have been — yet I am not all to blame. 
When I sent for you I was the shameless beggar you have 
called me; now I would die before asking you for a 
copper. I need not face that — yet! 

Aramantha {quickly). What must you face ? 

Charlie {bitterly). A debtor's cell. 

Aramantha {startled). What! 

Charlie. Mr. Sharp says if I don't pay his bill in 
thirty days he'll board me in jail until I do. You must 
see that means for life. 

Aramantha {horrified). He can 't mean that ! 

Charlie. We can Avait and see. 

Aramantha. Laws oughter be reasonable and that 
ain't. 

Charlie. Sharp says Billy Briefless says so, and Billy 
has been admitted to the bar. 

Aramantha. I bet Billy lied; it wouldn't be the fust 
time. 

Charlie {hopelessly) . I guess it's the law. 

Aramantha {looks around cautiously). Then what 
ye hangin' round here for? {Leans forivard and whis- 
pers) Skip! 

Charlie {rising and folding arms). Never! I am a 
reckless prodigal, a hopeless debtor — but I am a gentle- 
man. 

Aramantha {starting up and clasping hands to 
hreast). Oh, Charlie! You have broken my heart! 
{Sinks hack in chair, throws arms across tahle and drops 
her head upon them) 

CuARUE {softened) . Don't, Aunt Aramantha! What 
can I do? 

Aramantha {in smothered voice). Nothing! You 
have done enough. 

Charlie {kneeling hy her and putting arm across her 
shoidders). Forgive me, Auntie. I am weak, worthless 
— ^but I love you ! 



16 Unacquainted With Work 

Aramantiia {tJirowmg arms around Mm and putting 
head on Ms sJioulder) . I love you, too ! I ivill pay your 
debts — though I said I wouldn't — if you 11 promise 
you will do a man's work in the world. I'm a poor, 
lonely old woman — ^but I'm your aunt. I still have 
enough for a start, until you find yourself. 

Charlie {deeply moved). From my heart I thank 
you, but it is too late! (Hides face in her lap) 

Aramantha {putting hand on his head). Why, 
Charlie? 

ChxIrlie. I have never learned to work — and the time 
is past. 

Aramantha {smoothing Ms hair). Poor boy! You 
are not so much to blame. My silly sister thought you 
the most wonderful boy in the world, and brought you 
up like the heir of millions. You are unacquainted with 
work ! — but it is not too late to learn. 

Charlie {raising head). I have only thirty days 
left — after that, prison and disgrace ! 

Aramantha. Never! I'll pay these, bills before I 
sleep. {Starts up, takes hills from table and goes c.) 

Charlie {with authority) . Stop! I forbid you. 

Aramantha {stopping, bewildered). Why? 

Charlie. Pay those bills, save under one condition, 
and you shall never see me again. 

Aramantha. What is it? 

Charlie. That I can do something to repay your 
kindness, to redeem my useless past. Is there such a 
thing? 

Aramantha {coming down quickly). My boy, there 
is. You can fulfill my dearest wish. 

Charlie. How ? 

Aramantha. I have the best of boarding places, 
money to see me through, everything I want — ^but one. 

Charlie. And that one ? 

Aramantha. A home — loved ones — and you are all 
I have on earth. 

Charlie {bewildered). I don't understand.- 

Aramantha. Oh, Charlie ! Mend your ways, marry, 



Unacquainted With Work 17 

make a home and take a lonely, friendless old woman 
into its charmed circle. I ask no more. 

Charlie {catching her in his arms). You poor little 
old lady, I will, {Kissing her) ii the dearest girl I know 
will say yes. 

Aramantha («5?cZe). Elsie! I knew it! 

Charlie. If she doesn 't 

Aramantha {interrupting). She will; she jest can't 
say no to ye. / couldn 't. 

Charlie. If she doesn't whom shall I marry? 

Aramantha. I don 't care ; any decent girl. 

Charlie. Then I will have a wife, and you a home — 
in thirty days. 

Aramantha. Oh, Charlie! I'm so happy! {Hides 
face in his breast and sohs; he comforts her) There! 
it's over. I won't do that again. {Wipes her eyes and 
slips out of his arms) She will say yes! ^Now for these 
bills! {Takes them up, goes c. a7id stops) Catch your 
bird, Charlie ; I '11 find the cage. Good-bye. 

Charlie. Good-bye — and God bless you ! {She throws 
kiss and EXITS d. c.) Dear old lady! Her heart is 
gold. Elsie must reconsider; I will be a man. {Reso- 
lutely) I will make the acquaintance of my enemy — 
and conquer him if it kills me. Even if Elsie refuses. 
Aunt Aramantha shall yet have her home within thirty 
days. (Raises hand to heaven) I swear it! 

ENTEE Elsie d. r. 

Elsie {sarcastically, as she comes down). Have you 
added profanity to your other accomplishments, Mr. 
Chester? 

Charlie {turns and rushes joy f idly toward her). 
Oh, Elsie ! such a wonderful thing has happened. You 
will marry me now. {Catches her in his arms) 

ENTER Bennie d. r. 

Bennie (maliciously). Did ye ring, sir? (They 
hastily separate) 



18 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie {turning furiously) . No — but I will wring — 
your confounded neck! {Rushes for liim) 

Bennie {mockingly). Ye gotta ketch me fust. 

[EXIT D. R. 

Charlie {hurrying hack). The little rascal! He's 
doing this on purpose. Say you'll marry me to-morrow, 
Elsie^and seal the promise. {Clasps her again; she 
tries to hold him away) 

Bennie {sticking head in d. r. and making face). 
Yah, you big stiff! Ye don't want me jest 'cause there's 
a petticoat round. 

Charlie {hastily releasing Elsie and starting toward 
D. R. again). Get, you little scamp — before I break you 
in two. Don't let me catch you here again. 

Bennie {making face at him). Ye hain't ketched me 
here now. 

Charlie {rushing r., furiously). Get out or I'll 
murder you ! 

Bennie {hastily). Yes, sir — but Bennie Bellhopp pays 
his debts. {Shakes fist at him and disappears) 

Charlie (goes hack to Elsie with outstretched arms). 
A blessed change has come to me, my darling. {Offers 
to embrace her) 

Elsie {extending warning hand). No nearer, sir. No 
change has come to me. 

Charlie {pausing). You do not understand. There 
is nothing to prevent our marriage. 

Elsie. Yes there is. 

Charlie. What? 

Elsie. The bride's consent. 

Charlie. But my aunt has forgiven me, paid my 
debts, and is looking for a home for us. {Tries to take 
her hand) 

Elsie {withdrawing it). A pretty picture — but it 
does not appeal to me. I will never marry a man who 
boasts that he is unacquainted with work. 

Charlie. I will get acquainted with it and learn to 
know it well. 

Elsie {interrupting and shaking head). No, Charlie; 



Unacquainted With Work 19 

you have promised me twice before — and have broken 
your word. I cannot trust you. 

Charlie {getting possession of Iter hand). But my 
debts are paid; I have promised to marry and make a 
home for Aunt Aramantha within thirty days. I have 
even sworn it — you heard me, you must not refuse me 
now. {Leans nearer and tries to slip arm around her) 

ENTER Bennie d. r. 

Bennie. Did ye ring, sir? . 

Charlie {twining to rush at him). I'll wring you 
into a corkscrew! 

Bennie {mockingly) . Come on with yer old wringer! 
{Vanishes) 

Charlie (going 5ac/i;). The little rascal ! He's doing 
this out of spite. Quick, Elsie! {Clutches her in his 
arjns) before he comes back again! {Leans over her) 

Elsie {pushing him away). No, Charlie; I cannot 
marry you — so soon. 

Charlie. I shall be in prison soon and cannot marry 
you 

Elsie. I'm sorry, Charlie — but I must test this latest 
resolution. 

Charlie. But this time I have sworn it. {Draivs 
her to him) Listen, dear. {Bends closer) Lift up 
your sweet face. {Bends closer and is about to kiss her) 

ENTER Bennie and Billy d. c. 

Bennie {gleefully). There she is! See? {Points) 
I told ye she was in — but I didn't know she was so 
far in. 

Charlie {turning on them in rage). Clear out, you 
spying puppies! {Approaches with fists doubled) 
Get! 

Billy {backs off, while Bennie gets behind him). 
Get? Get what? 

Bennie {o7i knees, trying to peep betiveen Billy's 
legs). His goat, Mister; don't let him git your'n. 
Stan' up tew him ! {Pushes Billy forward) 



20. Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie {advancing) . Yon hear me, Billy Briefless! 

Billy (alarmed). Don't tonch me! Remember the 
law! — of which I am an exponent. 

Charlie. Damn the law! — and you, too! (Ad- 
vances; Billy tries to hack and goes sprawling over 
Bennie) 

Billy (as he strikes). Wow! (He and Bennie 
scramble wildly to get out of way. He sits up in corner 
of stage; Bennie at wing, in front) Keep off! Don't 
you hit me! Bennie, Miss Andrews, I call you to wit- 
ness he has no legal casus belli. 

Bennie. 'Course he hain't — there ain't no legal 
Kaiser. 

Charlie (stopping). I had forgotten the lady. 
(Turning) Miss Andrews, I beg your pardon. Do not 
be afraid; you vermin! (Bennie and Billy scramble to 
feet) 

Billy (blustering). Afraid? Me? I do not know 
what fear is. Eespect the majesty of the law. 

Charlie (with forced calmness). Do not try me too 
far. 

Billy. Do not try me too far. Even a law-abiding 
citizen and a member of the bar cannot see his intended 
wife made love to in that indecent, I might say squashy 
manner, without considerable irritation. 

Charlie (thunderstruck) . Your intended wife ! Miss 
Andrews ? 

Billy. Certainly. Do not fear, Elsie, I will protect 
you from the slimy folds of this human boa — I mean 
girl — constrictor. 

Charlie (to Elsie). Tell him he lies — that you love 
and trust me. 

Elsie. No! No! No! I cannot. (Puts handker- 
chief to eyes and quickly rushes toward d. r.) [EXIT d. r. 

Charlie. I have my answer. (To Bennie and 
Billy) Now, you sneaking spies, if I get within reach 
of you — take the consequences. (Walks deliberately to- 
ward them) 

Billy (hastily). I'll go — ^but I'll be revenged. 



Unacquainted With Work 21 

Bennie. Me tew, Mister ! (Both dive for D. c. and 
get stuck; Charlie se7ids them through with a kick; they 
hoivl and vanish) 

Charlie (going hack, gloomily). The intended wife 
of that — thing! — and she did not deny it. So ends my 
dream of love — but I cannot break my oath nor dis- 
appoint my annt. She shall have her home in thirty 
days. She said ''anybody" — I will marry anybody, I 
care not whom. 

ENTER Sally d. l., veiled and gloved. 

Sally. Is yo' de gemman what wanted lady assist- 
unee? 

Charlie (turning). Yes, the worst way. Are you a 
lady? — or a rainbow gone crazy? 

Sally. No, sah; I's come ter see 'bout de ad in de 
paper. I s'pose you am de man what wants a cook? 

Charlie. Sure I want a cook. What's your name? 

Sally. Sally Sausage, sah. 

Charlie. That is suggestive. So you are a cook? 

Sally (hohhing head). Yes, sah. 

Charlie. Are you married? 

Sally. Not much. 

Charlie. Are you a good cook? 

Sally (hohhing again). Yas, sah. (Billy and 
Bennie look slyly in at d. c.) I kin cook a blacksmif 's 
ap 'n so yo 'd swah it was chicken. 

Charlie (aside). A wife from heaven — all but the 
grammar. (To Sally) Will you marry me? 

Sally (throwing up hands). Yo's done foolin'. 

Billy (aside to Bennie). Is the man crazy? 

Bennie (answering, -aside, disgusted). Naw! He 
allers wants ter marry ev'ry skirt in sight. 

Charlie. I never was more in earnest. 

Sally. Is yo' got a house? 

Charlie. The dearest that money can buy. Or — my 
agent is looking for it. 

Sally. Is yo' got any money? 

Charlie. Enough to run the family. 



22 Unacquainted With Work 

Sally! Any chilluns ? 

Charlie. N — ^no — only one aunt. 

Sally. I kin manage her — but I'd nebbah ma'y a 
man wif mo'n six younguns. I'll took yo'. 

Charlie. Then be on hand — say, in two weeks. 

Sally. Dat's pow'ful suddint — but I's gwintah be 
heah. Dar's mah han' on it. {Holds it out) 

Charlie. And here is mine. (Clasps hers) 

Sally. Yo' kin kiss me nov/, if yo' wantah. (Raises 
veil, hangs head sidewise and sticks finger in corner of 
mouth) 

Charlie (recoiling in horror, Billy and Bennie in 
dumb show B.). Suffering catfish! A nigger! 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. One week later. DIS- 
COVERED Biddy hanging chairs as she sweeps. 

Biddy. It's harrud! Iverybody wants ter marry 
me — or ilse doesn 't^which is worruse yit. Landlorrud 
Sharrup hoogin' me bahint the dure, Charrules Chisther 
choockin' me oondher me chin, an' Moike Murphy 
pestherin' me ter go to the prayst wid him. He 's a foine 
bye to look at, an ' handy wid his fists ; I moight take the 
proizefighter — but it nades money to kape a girrul 
a-goin'. I rickin there's a dale av flure-shwapin' an' 
shade-shnappin ' ahid av me yit. (Bangs chair and 
sweeps vigorously) 

ENTER Mike Murphy d. l. 

Mike. The top av the marnin' to yez, Biddy, me 
shwate angel. 

Biddy {without turning). The tail av the afther- 
noon, Moike, me sour divil. 



Unacquainted With Work 23 

Mike. "What a long tongue our gurrul 's got ! 

Biddy, What a long tail our cat 's got ! 

Mike {coaxingly). Oh, be aisy, darlint! {Tries to 
put arm around her) 

Biddy {turning shoulder). Kape off! I'm too big 
to hoog. 

Mike. Thot 's so — but I kin do it. on the inshtallmint 
plan. 

Biddy. Not onliss ye take a correshpondince coorse. 
Go practhice on a piazzy-posht. 

Mike. I '11 get betther practhice on a flour-barrel. 

Biddy. I 'm not that koind av a flower. 

Mike. What koind are yez 1 

Biddy. I 'm a f uUblowed daisy. 

Mike. Sure! I'll wear ye on me buzzom. (Ad- 
vances) 

Biddy (threatening with hroom). Kape off! What 
do yez want ? 

Mike (stopping). Me answer. 

Biddy. What answer? 

Mike. '*Yis"— if ye fale so; ''No/' if it has to be- 
but I want an answer. 

Biddy (coaxingly). Don't be rantankerous, Moike, I 
can't dacoide yit. 

Mike (grimly). Why not? 

Biddy. Oh, bekase — (hesitating) bekase av sev'ril 
things. 

Mike. Siv'ral men, ye mane. (Billy appears at d. r.) 

Biddy (angrily). Mebbe so, Misther Mur-rphy. 

Billy (aside). More lovers' quarrels! Maybe an- 
other breach of promise case. I'll see if I'm needed. 
(Dratvs hack) 

Mike. Biddj^ I've loved yez many a month an' ye 
jist make a fool av me. 

Biddy, The Lorrud done thot, I didn't. 

Mike. No matther; it's got to shtop. (Catches her 
in his arms) There! I've got yez. I'll have me an- 
swer — an' a kiss to boot. 

Biddy (struggling) . Lave me go! 



24 Unacquainted With Work 

Mike. Divil a wanst ! Is it yis or no ? 

Biddy (raging). Lave go, I say! (Struggles) 

Mike (grimly), Yis or no? — an' wan shwate kiss, 
man's soize an' four inches acrostht. 

Billy (aside). A bargain made under duress is void. 

Biddy. I tell yez I can 't answer the day, Moike. 

Mike. Yez can give me the kiss. 

Biddy (hesitating) . I s'pose — I can — if (Stops) 

Mike (relentlessly). If what? 

Biddy. If — we'll — if (Stops again) 

MiKE^ Say it. 

Biddy. If I wanter. 

Mike. Don't yez? 

Biddy. Oi don't knoAV. (Hides face in Ms breast) 

Billy (aside, surprised). Holy smoke! she's giving 
in. Dare I bring that kind of an action against Elsie 
Andrews ? 

Mike. Lift oop yer phiz an' I'll show yez. (Tries 
to raise Tier face) 

Biddy (burrowing). Sha'n't! 

Mike. Thin I will. (Tries harder) 

Biddy (rooting face under his arm). If ye kiss me 
widout me consint ye niver will wid. 

Mike. Thin give yer consint, quick! 

Biddy. Not wid you 'se a-holdin ' me. 

Mike (eagerly). What if I lave ye go? 

Biddy (looking up) . Thry me an' say. 

Mike. All roight — ^but no gurrul gits away from 
Moike Mur-rphy whin he manes business. (Releases 
her) There now! (Leans toward her) 

Biddy (leaning slightly forward, then drawing back). 
Oh, I can 't wid yer two eyes a-lookin ' at me. 

Mike (eagerly). What if I shut 'em? 

Biddy. Sh'pose yez thry it. 

Mike. I will — ^but look out ! (Shakes finger at her) 
I'm wise to yer thricks. (Takes her by arm and shuts 
eyes) Now what 'bout it? 

Biddy. I don't think I'd moind jist wan. 

Mike. Glory halleluyer 1 



Unacquainted With Work 25 

Biddy. Hurry, Moike, somebody's coomin'. (Holds 
up broom and lie kisses it. She breaks away ivith a 
mocking laugh) 

Mike (making face and spitting). Phew! Whin d'ye 
comb yer hair last ? 

Billy (aside). Done brown, by thunder! 

Biddy (laughing) . I knew ye didn't know much, but 
I did think ye knew Biddy McMullen from a broomstick. 

Mike (looking at broom in his arms). Ye've made a 
fool av me agin I 

Biddy (laughing). Ye said no gurrul cu'd do thot. 
Lay it all to the Lorrud. 

Mike (sidlenly). Ye needn't git foony. There's 
anither man in the case — an ' I '11 poonch his face. 

Biddy. Yer betther at poonchin' a man's face thin 
kissin' a woman's. 

Mike (angrily). I kin do both — an' here goes! 
(Rushes forward; EXIT Biddy, d. c.) 

Billy (going on hastily and getting in front of him). 
Hold on, don't do anything rash in this case. 

Mike (stopping). You'se has got the case o' rash, 
not me. Canker rash, by the looks av yez. 

Billy. Nonsense ! 

Mike. Git out av me thrack or I '11 can yez ! ( Threat- 
ens him with broom) 

Billy (with commanding gesture). Wait! You need 
me. 

Mike. What for ? to fade the cat ? No, sir ; it 's Biddy 
McMullen I nade. 

Billy. You need me to bring action. (Pompously) 

Mike. I'll do me own actin'. I kin act as bad as you 
kin if I don't look half so bad. 

Billy (proudly). I am a lawyer. I can bring an 
action for breach of promise. 

Mike. If yer promises are as brachy as some gurruls, 
I don't nade any. 

Billy. Don't refuse my aid in your extremity. 

Mike (holds up foot and studies it). Rickon thot 'ud 
be an aid in somebody's extremity. 



26 Unacquainted With Work 

Billy (disappointed) . Then you won't let me bring 
a suit? 

Mike. Bring the wan from the clothing shtore — if 
they'll thrust ye wid it. 

Billy. I mean a breach of promise suit. 

Mike. Where 'U ye git it an' what '11 it do to me ? 

Billy. Nothing to you. I'll bring it against Miss 
McMullen. 

Mike. Don't bring no suit av mine against Biddy; 
she 'd git it on an ' shpile it. 

Billy. You'd get big damages. 

Mike. So wu'd the suit. 

Billy. I mean pecuniary damages. 

Mike. It's the ither felley's goin' to git pecoolyerly 
damaged. 

Billy. I'll help you swear out a mandamus. 

Mike. Don't nade no help 'bout swearin'. I'm the 
greatest little man-dammer ye iver beared. [Starts c.) 

Billy (interposing). Just a mjnute 

Mike. Out av me way! Thot gurrul carried off 
something I bought an' paid for. (Tries to pass) 

Billy (stopping Mm). Hold on; I'm not done with 
you. 

Mike. 7'm done wid you'se. (Tries to pass) 

Billy (detaining Mm). Wait! I want something 
more. 

Mike (angrily). Tuck it an' wilcome! (Hits Mm 
with hroo^Uj throws it on him as he collapses) [EXIT d. c. 

Billy (on knees and holding head). Oh Lord! my 
head! 

ENTER Bennie, d. r. 

Bennie (coming on). Did ye ring? (Stopping) 
'Scuse me ! I dian 't know ye was prayin '. 
Billy. I wasn't. (Groaning) 
Bennie. Tnen what ye that end up for ? 
Billy. I'm not. 

Bennie. Then v/hat ain't ye that end up for? 
Billy. Because I'm that end down. 



Unacquainted With Work 27 

Bennie. I see ; light end uiJ. 

Billy {getting to feet hy help of broom, groaning). 
Oh ! oh ! It 's a blooming shame ! 

Bennie. You mean a hrooming pain. "What hit ye? 

Billy. That prize fighting Murphy. It's a case of 
assault and battery. 

Bennie. Pity 'twasn 't a case for the undertaker ! 

Billy, I have to prove the fact. Did you see him ? 

Bennie. Naw — wisht I had! I thought I beared ye 
ring. 

Billy (holding head) 1 was ringing — part of me. 
It's ringing yet. 

Bennie (cheerfully) . Sure! — jes' like hollerin' in an 
empty rain-barrel. 

Billy. Help me out of doors; maybe I'll feel better. 
Oh dear! 

Bennie. Dear who? 

Billy. Me. Come, help rae. 

Bennie (after a pause, thoughtfully). It's a great 
day for tips. 

Billy (surprised) . What do you mean? 

Bennie. Didn't you get tipped? 

Billy. Darn that Murphy ! Yes. 

Bennie. How 'd ye like it ? 

Billy. Not a little bit. 

Bennie. I should. • 

Billy. Oh, I see. Here! (Tips him) Now help 
me out. (Starts l,, limping and groaning, leaning on 
Bennie, broom for crutch) 

ENTER Charlie d. l. 

Billy (meeting him, eagerly). Did you see him, Mr. 
Chester? 

Charlie. See whom? 

Billy. That big prizefighter of an Irishman. 

Charlie (reflectively) . I don't think so; I didn't see 
anybody. 

Billy. There goes another prop. 



28 Unacquainted With Work 



Bennie. You've got props enough now — but I do^ 
wanter be most proper. Lean on t'other one more. 
(Puslies and almost upsets him) 

Charlie (puzzled). Another prop to what? 

Billy. The case. 

Charlie. Whose case? 

Billy. Mine. 

Charlie. Pretty hard case, isn't it? 

Billy. What makes you think so? 

Charlie (dryly). You look like it. 

Billy. Bennie, tell him what sort of a case mine is. 

Bennie. Smearkase. 

Billy. Why do you say that ? 

Bennie. 'Cause you're such a big cheese, 

Charlie. Have you seen a girl round here? 

Bennie. What girl? 

Charlie. Any — between fifteen and fifty. 

Billy. What do you want of any girl ? 

Charlie. To marry her. 

Ben-^ii^ (aside). Gee! He must be nutty. 

Charlie. Why don't you answer? 

Bennie. I saw Mike Murphy, the prizefighter. 

Charlie. He won't do. I won't marry an Irishman. 

Bennie. And Biddy McMullen, the chambermaid. 
She's an Irishman, too. 

Charlie. I draw the line at a prizefighter for a wife, 
but the chambermaid '11 do. Trot out the chambermaid, 
Bennie; tell her I want to marry her. I'll be back in a 
minute. [EXIT d. c. 

Billy. Quick, Ben! Help me out. The Lord has 
delivered him into my hand. We'll see what Elsie will 
say to his scheme of marrying an Irish girl. 

[EXIT Billy and Benny d. r. 

ENTER Aramantha d. l. a moment later; ivraps on. 

Aramantha. Nobody here — and nobody knows Vm 
here. (Coming on) He'll come pooty soon. (Lays 
wraps on armchair, sits R. of table) 



Unacquainted With Work 29 

ENTER Justus Ketchum d. l. 

Justus. Mrs. Artichoke? 

Aramantha. Yes. Did you want to see me? 

Justus. I got your telegram. My name is Ketchum. 

Aramantha. Oh, yes, the detective. Set down. (He 
sits L. of table) 

Justus. What can I do for you? 

Aramantha. I've been robbed. 

Justus. Of what ? 

Aramantha. An old-fashioned pocketbook and ten 
thousand dollars, cash and securities. 

Justus. When ? 

Aramantha. I missed it a week ago. 

Justus. Where was the pocketbook? 

Aramantha. In a trunk in my own room — in this, 
house. 

Justus. Trunk locked? 

Aramantha, I think so — but it would not be hard to 
open. 

Justus. Room locked? 

Aramantha. I never fergit that. 

Justus. How did the thief get in ? Window, I suppose. 

Aramantha. I reckon so. The room is on the second 
floor and there's a tree outside. 

Justus. Suspect anybody? 

Aramantha. No. 

Justus. Anybody have reason to think there was 
money in your room ? 

Aramantha. Not perticklarly ; folks think I've got 
some. 

Justus. What do people say about your loss ? 

Aramantha. I never lisped of it till now. 

Justus. Good ; don 't. You may not see or hear from 
me for some time, but I shall be at work. (Rises) 
Good-bye. [EXIT d. l. 

Aramantha. OfP like a jug-handle ! I don 't keer ; I 
like him! Success to Mr. Justus Ketchum ! 

[EXIT D. R., carrying wraps 



30 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Charlie d. c, reading letter. 

Charlie. Aunt Aramantha has bought and furnished 
a house and will pay my debts when I am married. She 
doesn't mention coming back. One week gone, and I'm 
no nearer a wife than before — of course the nigger 
doesn't count! I've some hope of the Irish sheet-artist, 
though. {Sits R. of table and thinks deeply) 

ENTER Andromeda d. l., hook in hand. 

Andromeda (coming on). My dear sir, did you ever 
see ''A Daughter of the Gods"? 

Charlie (rousing). No. Be you she? — I mean is 
you her ? or, in other words, am you it ? 

Andromeda {offended). Sir! 

Charlie. No ofPense ! Your presence shows you are 
above the common people — {Aside) about a foot. 

Andromeda (unbending). I was not alluding to my- 
self. 

Charlie. I beg your pardon ; you look like the daugh- 
ter of something or other. 

Andromeda (proudly). A Daughter of the Revolu- 
tion, sir. 

Charlie. Never met the gentleman. (Aside) I 
knew she was no chicken. 

Andromeda. This is a wonderful work. (Offers 
hook) . 

Charlie (alarmed). I don't know him, either. 

Andromeda (holding out hook). Make a critical ex- 
amination of ''A Daughter of the Gods." 

Charlie (hastily). Modesty forbids. I'm a single 
man. 

Andromeda (quickly). I mean in a business way. 

Charlie. It's out of my line of business. 

Andromeda. You want to buy '*A Daughter of the 
Gods"! 

Charlie. I don't. Think I'm a white slaver? 

Andromeda. I am speaking of this beautiful volume. 
Its title is *' A Daughter of the Gods." 



Unacquainted With Work 31 

Charlie. Then you 're a book agent ? 

Andromeda. I am Andromeda Applewood, saleslady 
and purveyor for the most wonderful work of modern 
time, sir. 

Charlie. I am against work of any kind, ancient or 
modern. 

Andromeda. You could not fail to be interested in 
''A Daughter of the Gods.'' 

Charlie. I'm more interested in the daughter of an 
Irishman. She's a chambermaid. 

Andromeda. The title of this book is somewhat mis- 
leading. 

Charlie. I should regret being misled by anybody — 
you especially. 

Andromeda. It has a subtitle. 

Charlie. What is it ? 

Andromeda. ''And How to Become One." 

Charlie. I should waste time trying to become a 
daughter of the gods. 

Andromeda. But this work reveals all the secrets of a 
lady 's toilet 

Charlie (indignantly interrupting) . I'm not Peep- 
ing Tom nor an old maid. 

Andromeda (with dignity). An unappreciated bless- 
ing, if you please. 

Charlie (jumping up with profound how). Exactly 
what I am! 

Andromeda. You must have a copy of our masterly 
volume. It teaches anybody to become ''A Daughter of 
the Gods." 

Charlie. I don't believe that beauty-bible would 
teach me how to become a daughter of the gods — even if 
I wanted to put on petticoats. 

Andromeda (frigidly). Sir! I am a lady — and this 
is a lady's book. 

Charlie. Then why do you bother me with it ? I 'm 
no lady. 

Andromeda. And no gentleman, either. 

Charlie. I am — or at least I try to be. 



32 Unacquainted With Work 

Andromeda. More reason to have ''A Daughter of 
the Gods, ' ' then. Gentlemen buy it for their wives and 
lady friends. It has often won the female heart. Your 
friend, the Irish chamber-lady, would appreciate it. 

Charlie {jumping up, hand in pocket) . 1 11 take her ! 
How much is she ? 

Andromeda. Only four-fifty. 

Charlie (with prolonged whistle). Phew! Daugh- 
ters of the gods come high. (Produces successively a 
feiv coins, a knife, a hunch of keys and a corkscrew) 
The bank's about busted. Could you use a fine pocket- 
knife in part payment — or a bunch of nickel-plated keys 
— or a corkscrew? 

Andromeda {shaking head each time). The company 
will not allow me to accept anything but legal tender. 

Charlie, I seem shy on legal tender. Maybe you 
would trust me for thirty days 1 

Andromeda. Our terms are strictly cash. 

Charlie. I'll have to find some other way to the 
chamber-lady 's heart ; reckon I '11 need an X-ray, judging 
from the thickness of her. We'll call the sale off, Mrs. 
Applewood. 

Andromeda. Not Mrs., Miss. 

Charlie {jumping up hastily). Did you say Miss? 

Andromeda. I did. 

Charlie {eagerly). You're not married, then? 

Andromeda. No. 

Charlie. And haven't any husband? 

Andromeda. Not that I know of. 

Charlie {aside, in ecstasy). A heaven sent opportu- 
nity ! — even if she isn 't a daughter of the gods, but their 
old maid aunt. 

ENTER ELSIE d. c. 

Charlie {to Andromeda). Could you use any hus- 
bands in your business? 

Elsie {stopping at door, despairingly, aside). Great 
Heaven! 



Unacquainted With Work 33 

Andromeda (coyly, simpering, finger in corner of 
mouth), We-ell — that depends on how many — and who 
they are. 

Charlie {flinging himself on knees). Miss Apple- 
wood, sweetest, dearest, divinest Andromeda, second- 
cousin to the gods if not a daughter of them, I'm them — 
I mean it. Take me! love me! marry me! I'm yours. 
{Seizes her hand and kisses it repeatedly) 

Elsie {scornfully, aside). Oh, the inconstancy of 
man! (Coming on; to Andromeda). I beg your par- 
don, but Mr. Briefless said somebody wanted to see me. 
(Billy appears d. c, listening) 

Andromeda {starting hack). It wasn't I. I didn't 
want to see anybody — at this time. 

Charlie {springing to feet and retreating in confu- 
sion). Nor I either, Elsie — least of all, you — at this 
time. 

Elsie {to Andromeda). I hope you will excuse me. 
(Moves r.) 

Andromeda {spit ef idly ) . I won't! No lady would 
intrude at such a moment. 

Charlie {following). One moment! Let me ex- 
plain 

Elsie {interrupting scornfully; Charlie recoils, Billy 
delighted). Explanations are unnecessary. {To An- 
dromeda) I had no idea this gentleman was at his usual 
lovemaking. 

Charlie. That isn't fair. You know 

Elsie {interrupting) . I know things I would forget. 

Andromeda {haughtily). I accept your apology, — 
and believe what I choose. You shall have my answer 
later, Mr. Chester. Good-bye. [EXIT d. l. 

Charlie {as Elsie sweeps r.). Do as you will, Elsie, 
but hear me. 

Elsie {turning away haughtily, chin tip). I did hear 
you — and your dearest, sweetest, divinest Andromeda. 

Charlie. Forget that. (Billy peeps in again) I 
must marry within a month and your coldness has driven 
me wild. If you realized how much I love you 



34 Unacquainted With Work 

Elsie (interrupting). As much as you do the book- 
agent ? 

Billy (aside at door). It works! It takes a lawyer 
to manage a case. 

Charlie. Love her? That stork! — that giraffe! — 
that colonial porch-pillar! You know I don't. 

Elsie (coldly). If I cannot believe what you told Jier, 
how can I believe what you tell mef 

Billy (exultingly, shaking fist, aside). Another hit! 
I 'd like to hit you myself if I were not afraid of the law 
— and of you. 

Charlie. I never said I loved her — I asked her to 
love me. 

Elsie (scornfully) . Shame on you! to ask a woman's 
love without giving yours in return ! 

Billy (aside, with glee). Glory! I wish she had 
married him; I could get her a divorce — perhaps an 
alienation suit for her — and then marry her myself. 

REENTER Andromeda d. l. 

Andromeda (catches sight of Charlie and Elsie). 0, 
my! (Draws hack) 

Charlie. I must make a home for Aunt Aramantha. 
She might do as well as anybody (Tenderly) but you, 
dear. 

Andromeda (aside, furiously). The wretch! 

Elsie (shuddering, hut softening a little). If I could 
believe that ! (He takes her hand) 

Billy (in consternation) . What the devil! 

Andromeda (shaking hook at her). The minx! I'd 
like to stuff ''A Daughter of the Gods" down her throat ! 

Charlie. You could not believe I was in love with 
that antiquated old ambassadress from Olympus, could 
you? (Slips arm around her) 

Andromeda (aside, in fury). What! 

Billy (frantic with rage, aside, one fist douhled in 
front, waist high, the other above head). Gee whizz! 

Andromeda (rushing on). Heartless betrayer of my 
affections, I'll scratch your eyes out! (Makes grah just 
in front of his face)^ 



Unacquainted With Work 35 

ENTER Biddy d. r., hastily. 

Biddy. Here I am, Misther Chisther. The lawyer 
felley toulcl me ye wanted to marry me. (Sees Elsie 
iind '^stops ahruptly) Phwat are yez doin' to me man? 

Andromeda (furiously) , He isn't your man, he's my 
man — or was till that shameless huzzy got him (Stutters 
with rage) s-s-sarcnmnavigated. 

Billy (rushing on). 'Course he's your man; I'll 
bring an action for you. You've the best case in the 
world and I'm a witness to his perfidy. (To Charlie) 
Release that lady ! 

ENTER Bennie d. b. 

Bennie. Did ye ring, sir ? (Stops) Gosh! What's 
this! A wimmen's rights caucus? 

Biddy (rushing on Charlie, who still has his arm 
arou7id 'EiijSm. She gives latter a push). Lave him alone, 
ye baggage! I'm goin' ter marry him. He's moine by 
the laws av chimical atthraction. 

Billy. And by all the laws of the State of . 

I'll bring an action for you, too. (To Charlie) Stop 
your shameless hugging — and being hugged. 

ENTER Jacob d. r. 

Jacob. What 's all this row 'bout ? 

Bennie. It's a suffygette caucus. Didn't ye hear 
'em cawin ' an ' cussin ' ? 

Elsie (to Charlie, coldly). Release me, Mr. Chester. 

Biddy. Yis, relase her. Don't be afther imbracin' 
anither gurrul afore me eyes. Hoog me a minute. 
(Flings arms round him from 'behind) 

Jacob (angrily). Yes, release my niece an' pay me 
what ye owe me or I'll put ye where they won't release 
you. 

Andromeda. I also say release her (To Biddy) and 
you release him. 

Charlie (angrily). And I say release me, you moun- 
tainous Mick! I'd rather be choked to death with a 
horse-collar. 



36 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Sally d. l. 

Elsie {to Charlie). Did you hear what I said? 
Charlie {remonstratingly) . But, sweetheart' 



Elsie {interrupting and releasing herself), I'm not 
your sweetheart. 

Chmiiai: {despairingly). Then who is? 

Biddy {hugging desperately). Me! 

Andromeda {crowding before Elsie and Jiugging 
Charlie) . Me ! 

Bexxie {running in front of Charlie). No, me! 
Don't I look sweet? {Thrusts head forward and malces 
face at him) 

Sally. Me tew! Me'n dat feller been 'gaged a 
week. Say, gals, kain't yo' spah one en' ob him fo' me 
ter hug? 

Elsie {disgusted), A colored woman! It is too 
much ! 

Biddy. Howly Saint Pathrick I Aven Moike Mur-rphy 
w'udu't make love to a coon! {Releases Charlie) 

Axdromeda {squealing). Oo-o-oh! A raving bru- 
nette! {Rims R.) 

Belly. i\Ir. Chester, I have brought an action for 
breach of promise against you, in behalf of Miss Sally 
Sausage. I shall enter two more on behalf of Miss Biddy 
McMullen and Miss Andromeda Applewood. 

AxDROMEDA {savagely). If it were not for spoiling 
'^A Daughter of the Gods," I'd bust her over his head. 
{Waving hook) 

Billy {delighted). Do it. I'll defend you if he sues 
you for it. 

Andromeda. Then take that! {Throws hook at 
Charlie ; he ducks and it hits Billy). 

Billy {clapping hands to face and dancing). Oh, my 
nose is gone! My only nose! {General laughing) 

Bexnte {laughing). I knew he always poked it into 
everything, but I didn't think he'd try to stick it through 
''A Daughter of the Gods." 

CURTAIN 



Unacquainted With Work 37 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Acts I and II. A few days later. 
DISCOVEBED Elsie putting things to rights. 

Elsie. It is useless ! I must spend my whole life as 
assistant to my not over-generous uncle. I once dreamed 
of love and a home, but my di'eam is over. {Sighs) My 
god was made of very common clay. He will not work 
and has engaged himself to half the girls around to avoid 
it. I "svill never marry an idler — and the defendant in 
half a dozen breach of promise cases. {Sighs heavily, 
GOES R. and throivs herself in armchair, hiding face in 
arm on its hack) 

ENTER Billy d. l. 

Billy. Good-morning, Elsie. Why hide the sunshine 
of your smile? 

Elsie {petulantly). Why do you haunt me? I de- 
test you! 

Billy {advancing slowly) . Because I love you. sweet- 
heart. I will marry you in spite of yourself. 

Elsie {sitting up and turning angrily). I do not love 
you ; I will not consent. 

Billy. You wiU love me. I wiU win your consent. 

Elsie ( with sarcasm ) . Indeed ! My mind is made up. 

Billy. My love will change youi- mind. 

Elsie {scornfully). The love of a glutton for his din- 
ner : a hawk for a chicken : a wolf for a lamb ! 

Billy. Of a poet for his ideals ; an artist for the beau- 
tiful ; a saint for the angel of his dreams. 

Elsie. Do not degi^ade an angel with a tongue like 
yours. 

Billy. You will soon know me better. 

Elsie {fervently). God forbid! 

Billy {seizing her hand). You shall! 



38 Unacquainted With Work 

Elsie (snatching it away). What would tempt me? 
With your looks, your character ! a briefless barrister ! an 
attorney without a client! 

Billy. Briefless in name only, and clientless no 
longer. 

Elsie. No matter ! I know you, coward and villain ! 

BihL,Y {restraining Jiimself) . Be careful! Such words 
are actionable. 

Elsie {with spirit). Not to your face. If they are, 
where is your proof ? 

Billy {aside, in fury). How did she learn so much 
law? 

Elsie. Have I made my feelings clear ? 

Billy. You have. {Spitefully) No doubt you feel 
differently toward your uncle's worthless boarder, 
Charles Chester. 

Elsie {coldly). He is already several times engaged. 

Billy {with suppressed fury). Yet you prefer that 
idle profligate to me, an honored and respected member 
of the bar ! 

Elsie. Respected for what you pretend, and honored 
for what you are not ! Mr. Chester is nothing to me, yet 
he is as much above jou as the stars above the earth. 

Billy {with violent gesture of clenched hand). You 
shall not marry him ! 

Elsie {warningly). Be careful! 'Tis a woman's 
privilege to change her mind! 

BiLiiuY {savagely). I'll ruin him! 

Elsie. Bad eggs are hard to spoil. 

Billy. You forget the three breach of promise cases. 

Elsie. He can't marry three. The laws expressly 
forbid that. 

Billy. He'll marry one — in self-defense. 

Elsie. That will be bad for the other two — perhaps 
for that one. 

Billy {vengefully). And worse for him! 

Elsie. Why? 

Billy. Heavier damages for the others. 

Elsie. He cannot pay. 



Unacquainted With Work 39 

Billy. I know it — {Triumphantly) but if he does not 
I'll jail him. 

Elsie {horrified). Great heavens! 

Billy. That is not all. 

Elsie (horTified). What else? 

Billy. He owes your uncle three hundred and ninety 
dollars. You know what he is likely to do. 

Elsie. He will not take extreme measures. 

Billy {exultingly) , He has already retained my 
services. Your uncle means to board your impecunious 
friend in jail until he pays. 

Elsie {greatly troubled) . The law will never allow it. 

Billy. You do not know all the beauties of the law — 
and the case is in my hands. 

Elsie {hands clasped). Have you no pity? 

Billy. Not a particle ! 

Elsie {turning away, overcome). He is lost! 

Billy {triumphantly). Of course! You cannot 
marry him now. 

Elsie (absently). No, I cannot marry him now. 

Billy. But you can marry me. 

Elsie {dazed). Yes, I can marry {Recalling 

herself and turning abruptly) What did you say? 

Billy. You can still marry me. 

Elsie. I know I can — {With spirit) but I won't! 

Billy. Be careful ! 

Elsie. No — not even to keep Mr. Chester out of 
prison. 

Billy {shaking finger warningly, in fury). Girl! you 
shall marry me! {Seizes her by wrist) 

'Elsie {struggling). You coward! 

Billy. You may as well yield. But give me a kiss 
and I will leave you — now. {Draws her toward him) 

'Eii^iE {struggling). Never! Let go my wrist ! 

Billy {recJdessly) . When I have my reward! 
{Throws arm around her) 

Elsie. Then take it! {Strikes him furiously) 

Billy {releasing her and clapping hand to ear). The 
devil ! 



40 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Bennie d. r. 

Bennie. Did ye ring? 

Elsie. I didn 't— maybe Mr. Briefless did. (Goes R.) 

Bennie. Did ye want me, sir ? 

Billy {savagely). Curse you I — ^no. Get out! 

Bennie {derisively) . You ain't my boss. 

Billy (rusJiing at him). I'll show you, you little 
devil! {Kicks him out as he starts to flee, turns and 
comes down) I'd like to kill the imp! Anyway I'd 
have taught him better manners. 

Elsie {with sarcasm). You ought to teach good man- 
ners — your own are so irreproachable! Good-bye, Sir 
Galahad! {With sweeping courtesy) I hope forever. 

[EXIT D. R. 

Billy {quickly). Wait, Elsie! {Hurries R.) For- 
give me ! he vexed me beyond endurance. {Calls) Elsie I 
{Looks OFF D. R.) She's gone. Curse her! (Goes c.) 
Her lover is in the toils and she will be there soon too. 
{Emphasizing with clenched fist) I swear it! 

[EXIT D. L. 

Biddy {outside, calling). Misther Sharrup! (EN- 
TERS D. c.) He's allays gone whin he's wanted. 
{Hands on hips, bawling) Misther Sharrup! 

ENTER Jacob d. r. 

Jacob. What's all that noise for? Ye '11 drive every 
boarder out. Stop that bawling. 

Biddy {angrily). Why d'ye give a dacint gurrl a job 
like this? 

Jacob {angrily). What is it? 

Biddy. Didn't yez till me to make the bid in noomber 
siven ? 

Jacob. Sure ! Go make it. 

Biddy. I can't. 

Jacob {surprised). Why not? 

Biddy. The man 's in it. 

Jacob. Tell him ter git up. 

Biddy. I did, but he didn't. 



Unacquainted With Work 41 

Jacob. Then roll him out. 

Biddy. I daresii't. 

Jacob (surprised). Ye didn't act 'fraid of a man the 
way ye hugged Charles Chester t'other day. 

Biddy. Me an' him's promised — but this felley is 
diff'rent. A purthy lookin' shpalpane lie is! 

Jacob. What's the matter with him? 

Biddy. He's daformed, sir. 

Jacob {astonished). Deformed? How? 

Biddy. His head 's phwere his fate oughter be. 

Jacob. Nonsense ! No sech critter here. 

Biddy. There is, too — abid in noomber siven. 

Jacob. What done it ? 

Biddy. Dunno — onliss 'twas the sthrong drink. 

Jacob. That does git a feller twisted. I've ben 
screwed myself, but never got my head where my feet 
oughter be. 

Biddy. Mebbe he wint ter his shloombers headfurrust. 
'Tinny rate he's shlapin' loike a babby wid his fate on 
the pilley, shnorin' t 'rough his tows. 

Jacob (enraged). I'll larn him ter sleep with his feet 
on my pillers ! [EXIT in rage, d. c. 

Biddy. Here's phwere I git revinge on ould Sharrup 
an' the prizefoighter both. [EXIT d. c. 

Bennie (outside r.). This way, Blondy. (Poking in 
head at d. r., aside) I'm safe; ev'rybody's gone. 
(Aloud) ' This way, Miss Peroxide. 

ENTER Bennie and Sally d. r. 

Sally {angrily) . Sausage, I 's hab yo ' know ! 

Bennie. Eight ye are. Miss Shortlegs. 

Sally (loud). Sausage! 

Bennie. Excuse me, Miss Sawlogs! 

Sally (shrieking). SAUSAGE! 

Bennie. Jes' what I said, Miss Sawedge. I'll go see 
'f Mr. Chester's in. Set down, Miss Smalleggs. 

[EXIT D. c. 

Sally (bawling after him). Sausage! Sausage! 
Sausage I 



42 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Biddy d. c. 

Biddy (stopping ears). Shot yer bill — afore I shtop 
it wid a hot prathie. Sassengers is no good widout 
prathies. 

Sally. An' a Mick's no good 'dout mixin'! We's 
gwinetah do a liT bit ob it 'dout yo' shot you mouf, 
honey. 

Biddy (scornfully) . A McMullen'U not have a mixup 
wid innything but a hooman bain'. 

Sally. Looks lak' dar's ben some mixin' atween de 
McMullens an' de monkej^s sometime. 

Biddy (furiously) . Don't yez make me the aquil av a 
monkey. 

Sally. I couldn't ; dar's too much McMuUen ter yo'. 

Biddy. Apollygize ! 

Sally. I'll 'pologize ter de monkey, but not to de 
McMullen. 

Biddy (rolling up sleeves). I'll poolveroize yez, ye 
ould sha-ape ! 

Sally. Start right erlong, honey. 

Biddy (fist raised awkwardly) . I'll massycree yez! 

Sally. I's heah waitin'. (Snatches off Jiat and 
makes sweeping how as Biddy rushes at her; Sally's 
head hits Biddy in the stomach and she sits down with a 
grunt) 

Biddy (groaning). Oh! it's clane ruined I am. 
(Holds stomachy rocking) 

Sally. Mebbe not; mebbe yo's bettah dan ebbah — ef 
yo' do' look no bettah. 

Biddy (complaining). Oh! oh! I'll doi! Oh! 
(Groans) 

Sally. All right; I's gwinetah he'p yo'. (Pulls her 
to feet, groaning) 

B'iDDY. Oh! oh! (Clasping stomach with both hands) 
Me liverpin is shuck loose an' me front gazoolium is 
squozin' me tingy-lingy-lingtum ! 

Sally. Dat's good! Go ter bed an' die lak a Chris '- 
yun. Come on. (Helps her out d. c, groaning) 



Unacquainted With Work 4=3 

ENTER Aramantha d. l., wraps on. 

Aramantha. Something's wrong with Charlie. 
{Takes off wraps and lays them on table) I've the cage, 
but Where's his bird? I'd better take a hand. (Rings) 

ENTER Bennie d. c. 

Bennie. Did ye ring, sir? 

Aramantha {surprised). Sir? 

Bennie. Hnllo, Mis' Artichoke. You back? Did 
ye ring? 

Aramantha. Yes, I'm back, an' I did ring. Is Miss 
Elsie in? 

Bennie. Dunno. I'll see. (Going c.) 

Aramantha. If she is, tell her I want her. 

Bennie. I'll do it. [EXIT d. a 

Aramantha. She'll come. If Charlie has failed in 
his lovemakin' it's time for me ter take holt. 

ENTER Elsie d. r. 

Elsie. How do you do, Mrs. Artichoke. I 'm glad to 
see you. Do you want me ? 

Aramantha. Of course I do. {Shaking hands) 
Why, you've lost half your color. Have you and yer 
young man ben quarrelin'? 

Elsie {twisting apron nervously). I have no young 
man. 

Aramantha. Shame on them! I'll see what the old 
widder can do. 

Elsie {hastily). Do not trouble yourself; I neither 
wish nor deserve a young man. 

Aramantha. Nonsense! Every nice girl ought ter 
have one. I'll see 'bout it. 

Elsie. Please, Mrs. Artichoke 

Aramantha {interrupting). 0, no trouble! My 
nephew knows all the young fellers ; I '11 speak ter him. 

Elsie {starting forward impetuously) . Do not speak 
to anybody; — ^least of all to him. 

Aramantha. Don't git excited. Charlie won't mind. 



44 Unacquainted With Work 

Elsie {tightening grip). Not a word to Mr. Chester 
if you value my happiness. 

Aramantha (leading her to armchair). Set down. 
I'm not goin' to hev ye faintin' if I can help it. (Gets 
chair and sits) Why don't ye want me to consult my 
nephew ? 

Elsie {hiding face with handkerchief). I can't tell 
you. 

Aramantha. Don't he know a gentleman from a 
scallawag 1 

Elsie {in smothered tones) . Yes— yes-s. 

Aramantpia. Then ye doubt his own character. I 
don 't blame ye ; he 'bout went the limit. 

Fih^m {sitting up in angry protest). He didn't! You 
shall not say such things about him. 

Aramantha. Pretty sharp claws for a kitten ! Why 
shouldn 't I consult him about a husband for you ? 

Elsie {confused). I — I don't know — but you 
mustn 't. 

Aramantha. Don't ye like him? 

Elsie. Like him! Oh, heaven! {Sinks hack and 
hides face again) 

Aramantha. Well, it's his own fault. 

Elsie {starting up and defending him). It isn't; I 
do! {Hastily) I mean I don't! 

Aramantha. Yer gittin' mixed. Ye dew, an' ye 
don't—whaf^. 

Elsie {averting face). I — like him! 

Aramantha. Well — I ruther hoped so. 

Elsie {quickly). Hoped what? 

Aramantha. Ye didn't like him. 

Elsie {turning, with spirit). I do — so there! 

Aramantha. Wall, I ruther hoped that more. Do ye 
love him? 

Elsie {hides face on arms on chair hack). Don't ask 
me! 

Aramantha. But I have. Dew ye? 

Elsie {desperately). 1 can't tell — I wo7i't tell! I 
never have told and I never will. 



Unacquainted With Work 45 

Aramantha (dryly), I wouldn't — there ain't no 
need of it. Does he love you? 

Elsie, (in smothered voice). No; he only says he 
does. 

Aramantha. Oh, he does say he does? What excuse 
does he give for not marryin' ye? 

Elsie {turning, -firing tip). He doesn't give any. 

Aramantha, Doesn't give any excuse! Then why 
doesn't he dew it? 

Elsie. Because — oh, just because ! 

Aramantha. Any iDoy that could marry you, and 
doesn 't, is a fool ! 

Elsie. He's not! You shall not say so. 

Aramantha. If he wasn't ye'd be his wife inside o' 
fifteen minutes, if there's no reason agin it, I shall never 
be convinced. 

Elsie. There is a reason — and you shall be convinced. 

Aramantha. Oh, shall I ? 

Elsie (defiantly). You shall. Mr. Chester does not 
marry me because I will not marry him. 

Aramantha. I don't blame ye — no decent girl would. 

Elsie (starting to feet). For shame! Mrs. Arti- 
choke — slandering your own sister's child. He's too 
good and noble to be tied down to me. 

Aramantha. Why not, you dear, unselfish child? 
(Pleadingly) For my sake! for Charlie's (Pauses) 

Elsie (sadly). I cannot. 

Aramantha (softly). Why not, dear? 

Elsie. That concerns Mr. Chester and myself. (Goes 
and sits R. of table) 

Aramantha. True, — but will you not relent? I 
know his faults — but he is the dearest thing in the world 
to me — and j^ou are next. For my sake ! — for his ! 

Elsie (sighing heavily). I cannot. 

Aramantha (gently, crossing to her). Tell me why, 
dear. 

Elsie. I think you know. 

Aramantha. I think so, too. His uselessness is the 
bar to his happiness. 



46 Unacquainted With Work 

Elsie. If 1 represent his happiness — which I dare not 
believe. 

Aramantha. He has promised he will reform, will 
Work. 

Elsie. He has promised twice before. 

Aramantha. He may do it this time. 

Elsie. I dare not think so. 

Aramantha. Will you not help me make him? 
Marry him and save him from himself ! You are his last, 
his only hope. 

Elsie. 0! my heart is breaking! (Bows head in 
arms on table and sots bitterly) 

Aramantha {kneeling and taking her in her arms). 
Sob it all out here on my faithful old heart — almost as 
sad and broken as your own ! 

Elsie (wildly). If I only dared to yield — ^but how 
can I! 

Aramantha. I 'm a broken down old woman. The lit- 
tle I have was scraped together by toil and saving; if I 
lose it there is nothing for me but the poorhouse. There 
is nobody to look to but Charlie — and he is a broken reed ! 

Elsie. Why do you tell me this ? 

Aramantha. Because I have thrown caution to the 
winds. I have bought and furnished a home for Charlie. 
I stand ready to pay all his debts — on his bare promise 
to reform. 

Elsie {kissing her). You dear, generous woman! 

Aramantha. Not generous; only just — yet I shall be 
a pauper if he fails me. I have risked my all — you can 
do no more. 

Elsie (admiringly) . You kind-hearted, unselfish old 
lady ! (Kisses her again) 

Aramantha. No — a scheming, selfish old lady. 

Elsie. But how? 

Aramantha. Ever since my husband's death I have 
longed for love and a home — and have had to put up v»rith 
hired service and a hotel. 

Elsie (patting her cheek). You deserve something 
better. 



Unacquainted With Work 47 

Aramantha. Perhaps not, but I want something bet- 
ter — and you can give it to me. 

Elsie. Is it for the best ? 

Aramantha. God knows, child; I think so. If this 
little hand {Patting it) does not hold Charlie back, into 
what depths of folly may he not yet fall ? 

Elsie {remembering) . Ah, I had forgotten! {Loos- 
ening her arms, rising and crossing over to sit in arm- 
chair) He has fallen already. 

Aramantha {rising and sitting hy table). What do 
you mean ? 

Elsie. Charlie is engaged to about every single 
woman in the village — but me ! 

Aramantha {sharply). How do you know? 

Elsie {embarrassed). Well — there are three breach 
of promise cases pending against him — so Billy Briefless 
says, and he handles them. 

Aramantha. Who are the girls? 

Elsie. Biddy the chambermaid, an old maid book 
agent — and a colored cook. 

Aramantha {astonished). Jewhittaker! 'Seuse me, 
Elsie; I didn't mean ter swear. Any more? 

Elsie. I don't know. 

Aramantha. That'll dew pooty well — fer a begin- 
nin'. See what we're responsible for. 

Elsie {astonished). We? 

Aramantha. Sure! I made him promise ter git 
married within thirty days an' you driv him desperit. 

Elsie. I didn 't know — I never dreamed 

Aramantha. 0' course ye didn't! We've got him 
inter a pooty mess ; now let 's git him out. 

Elsie. But how? 

Aramantha. The Lord only knows — but it's got ter 
be did. We must git him away from them harpies ; then 
you must marry him. 

Elsie. Oh — not that ! Not yet ! 

Aramantha. Ye '11 not refuse outright ? Ye '11 prom- 
ise ter consider? 

Elsie {hiding face, slowly). Ye-es; I'll do that. 



4S Unacquainted With Work 

Arama-ntua {joy fully) . I knew ye 'd save him. (Ris- 
ing) Take me ter my room. (Takes Elsie's arm and 
GOES R.) I'll git rid o' them bloodsuckers; then it's up 
ter you. [EXIT Aramantha and Elsie d. r. 

Jacob (off stage c). I '11 larn ye ter go ter bed wrong 
end fust in my house ! 

Mike (off stage G.) . Lave go! (Struggle Jieard out- 
side c.) Oh, if I c'ud git wan poonch at yez! 

Jacob (off stage). Wall, ye can't; I've got ye noAV 
an ' out you go ! 

ENTER Jacob d. c, dragging in Mike hy the collar, flat 
on his hack and struggling furiously. 

Mike. 'Twas mane advantage ye tuck. Face me 
loike a gintlemin an' ITl show yez! (Struggles) 

Jacob. I've got ye, an' I'll keep ye goin'. Come on! 
(Brags him l.) 

Mike. If Biddy saw yez thraggin' me round, she'd 
schulp yez. 

Jacob. Not much ! She told me ter roll ye out. She 
wants ter make the bed. 

Mike (tracing hands desperately, sitting up and look- 
ing over shoulder). What! 

Jacob. It's so. What business had ye in one o' my 
beds anyway? 

Mike. Oh, what divilish desatef ulness ! (Calling) 
Biddy! Biddy McMuUen! If she wu'd only eoom! — 
but she can't. 

Jacob. Wall, you kin go; now git ter goin'. (Brags 
him off L.) [EXIT Mike and Jacob d. l. 

EN-TER Bennie d. c. 

Bennie (going down). Did ye ring, sir? Oh, no- 
body here. That's a wonder. Somebody allers wants 
me — or else don't, which is wuss! (Rubs base of spine) 
Somebody's been here. (Takes wraps from table and 
looks at them) Looks like old Mis' Artichoke's shawl 
an' bunnit. Wonder how they'd overcome me! (Puts 
them on) Ain't I the little daisy peacherino! (Struts 



Unacquainted With Work 49 

about; noise off stage; alarmed) Oil lor'! somebody's 
comin'! (Darts vf stage) 

Charlie (off c, calling) . Bennie! 

Bennie. No go that way ! (Ruslies L., crash outside) 

Jacob (off stage, l.). Come along or I'll break yer 
neck ! 

Bennie (stopping, in consternation). Or that either! 
One chance more ! (Runs "R.) 

Elsie (outside R., calling). Yes, here I am. All right; 
I'll be right down. (Sound of receding steps) 

Bennie. There she goes! Mebbe I can git out yit. 
(Tiptoes c.) 

Charlie (off c). Where are you? Ben! (Steps 
heard) 

Bennie. It 's no use ; I 'm cotched. (RunsR.) Darn 
it! (Sits in armchair, pulls down veil and 7nuffles face 
in shawl) 

ENTER Charlie d. c. 

Charlie. Confound the boy! He's never round 
when he's wanted. 

Bennie (aside). Everybody else is always round 
when they're not wanted. (Hides face again) 

Charlie (sitting r. of table). Oh the devil! Here's 
half my thirty days gone and not a single wife yet! 
Those catamounts sueing me wouldn't touch me with a 
pair of tongs now. (Puts left hand to chin and bows 
head in thought) Whom can I find? 

Bennie (peeping, aside) . Darned if I care, if ye don't 
find me! (Muffles face again) 

Charlie (in desperation) . I don't care, as long as it's 
somebody. (Jumps up, crosses over and sees Bennie) 
Who in thunder are you ? 

Bennie (in squeaky voice) . I'm Little Miss MufPet. 

Charlie (quickly). Little Miss Muffet? Then you 
haven't any husband? 

Bennie (squeaking). No, sir. I don't know what I 
could do with him if I had. 

Charlie (aside, striking pcdm with fist). If this isn't 



50 Unacquainted With Work 

luck I But I'll be careful. (To Bennie) How old are 
you, Miss Muff et? 

Bennie {still squeaking, primly). I'm sweet sixteen. 

Charlie (to himself). Just right! {To Bennie) 
Can you cook? 

Bennie. Eather ! I 'm always gittin ' things inter hot 
water. {Aside, viciously) I'll cook your goose ef I 
ever git a chance ! 

Charlie. Are you a good housekeeper ? 

Bennie. The very devil at it. Give me a house an' 
see 'f I keep it. 

ENTER Elsie d. r., with duster. 

Elsie. The new scrub-woman isn't coming to-day. 
{Stopping short, surprised) There's Mr. Chester! 

Charlie {aside). Eather slangy — but she'll do. I'd 
marry anything now. 

Elsie {overhearing) . Can I believe my ears? 

Charlie {to Bennie). Dear Miss Muffet! 

Elsie {aside). I never heard of her! 

Charlie. Unveil those eyes ! 

Bennie. Oh, I couldn 't. I 'm too modest. 

Elsie {aside). He isn't! 

Charlie. Do! I'm dying to feast my eyes upon 
your face. 

Elsie {aside, spitefully). And I'm dying to get my 
hands on yours ! 

Bennie. Wha' d'ye wanter lamp my mug for? 

Charlie. I want you for my wife. {Kneels hy chair 
and takes his hand) 

Bennie {grumhling, aside). Somebody allers wants 
me for sump'n. 

Elsie (asicZe). Oh heaven! 

Charlie. Fair maid, will you marry me? 

Bennie. Sure, Mike ; anything else ? 

Charlie {putting arm around him). One thing more. 

Bennie {hanging off). Oh lor'! Wha' d'ye want 
now ? 

Charlie. Uncover your mouth. 



Unacquainted With Work 51 

Ehsm (aside). False, utterly false ! 

[EXIT D. R., handkerchief to eyes 

CuARiAE {coaxingly). Just one! 

Bennie. Darned if I will! 

Charlie. Why not, dear ? 

Bennie. I ben eatin' onions. 

Charlie. I love them. 

Bennie. So do I — an' jes' loved some. 

Charlie. If that is all {Tries again) 

Bennie {slatting about pettishly). Git out! I — I 
hain't shaved for a week. 

Charlie {thunderstruck). What! — and only sixteen ! 
No matter! {Tries again) 

Bennie {indignantly). Grit out! Ef yer that fresh I 
won't tie up with ye. {Flounces out of opposite side of 
chair and minces up stage) 

QYiMOAE {following). Wait a minute! {Taking hold 
of shawl) 

Bennie. I won't! Leggo! 

Charlie {coaxing). Please! 

Bennie. I guess nit, Rosie. {Pulls) 

Charlie. Just a minute! {Holding on shawl) 

Bennie. No sirree bob! I'm no waiter — or cham- 
bermaid either. {Breaks aivay, disclosing knicker- 
bockers. Elsie peeps in r. as Bennie rushes out c, 
then she disappears) 

Charlie. What does she know about the chamber- 
maid? I must investigate. {Follows him) [EXIT d. c. 

ENTER Mandy d. r., with dishpan and scrubbing brush, 
face done up in a red handkerchief. 

Mandy. Drat old Sharp ! He give me the Old 
Scratch 'cause I was a few minutes late— an' me with the 
ragin' toothache all night ! Little he keers! * {Holds up 
pan) Now look at this old pan he give me ! I've a good 
mind not ter scrub a bit. {Puts pan on floor) I gotter 
have some gin anyway. {Produces flask) If I hold 
some in my mouth it may stop the pain. I can 't answer 
if anybody speaks ter me — but no marter ! {Fills mouth 



52 Unacquainted With Work 

with gin, pockets flask, kneels with hack to audience and 
scrubs floor) 

ENTER Charlie d. c. 

Charlie. Can't find Miss Muffet anywhere! I'm 
afraid there's another wife gone to pots. {Sees 
Mandy) Hello, I don't know you, do I? 

Mandy {mouth full) . Mm! {Scrubs) 

Charlie. Just as you say. I don't recall your name, 
though. {Thoughtfully) It must be — {Stops) 

Mandy {scrubbing) . Mm! 

Charlie. Of course. I thought so. {Aside) Funny 
name, Mm! Still it's easily changed. I once knew a 
fellow named Shnitzenhauser and a girl called Huggen- 
buster. {To Mandy) Are you single? 

Mandy. Mm ! 

Charlie. Good! Can you keep house? 

Mandy. Mm! 

Charlie. It's the will of the Lord! {To Mandy) 
Will you marry me? {Bends over her) 

ENTER Elsie d. r. 

Elsie. The scrub-woman did come. {Seeing others 
and stopping) The universal lover! 

Charlie. What is my answer, fair one? 

Mandy. Mm ! 

Elsie. He's courting the scrub- woman — and she's ac- 
cepted him ! 

Charlie. Good! {Hesitating) You — you wouldn't 
be willing to give me a kiss ? 

Mandy {scrubbing). Mm! 

Charlie. None of the others would. You know I'll 
be good to you, don't you? 

Mandy. Mm ! 

Charlie {putting arm around her). Won't you show 
me your face, my dear ? 

Mandy {leaning hack hastily and looking up at him, 
impatiently ) . Mm ! 

Charlie {aside). She's no spring chicken. Well, I 



Unacquainted With Work 63 

suppose I'll have to kiss her now; I can shut my eyes. 
{Shuts eyes and leans over her) 

Elsie. I can bear no more. [EXIT hastily d. r. 

Mandy (spitefully). Mm! {Pokes scruhhing -brush 
in his face) 

Charlie {opening eyes and starting hack, hut not re- 
leasing her). Wow! This one hasn 't shaved for a week, 
either. {To Mandy, ruhhing mouth with disengaged 
hand) Use cascarets, my dear; your breath is sour. 
{Makes face and spits) 

Mandy. Mm! {Scruhs again) 

ENTER Biddy d. c. 

Biddy {clasping hands). Great hiven! Me lover is 
lovin' the scroob-leddy. {Rushing down stage, to 
Mandy) Lit me man alone! 

Mandy {without looking up) . Mm! {Scruhs) 

Biddy {to Charlie). It's' breakin' me hearrut is. 
Ye '11 smash it foiner thin hashed liver. Coomfort me! 
the worruld is fadin' from me soight. {Pitches head 
first into his arms) 

Charlie {releasing Mandy and staggering as he sup- 
ports Biddy). Ain't this a devil of a mess? 

Mandy. Mm! {Scrubs) 

Charlie. What am I to do with this pile of pork? 
{Braces himself and tries to lift Biddy to feet) Here! 
{Shaking her) Wake up, and crawl! 

ENTER Elsie d. r., hastily. 

Elsie {alarmed). Mike Murphy is here, crazy mad! 
{Stopping suddenly) Another one! {Clasps hands over 
heart) 

ENTER Billy d. l. 

Billy {stopping at door). What's going on? {Aside) 
I'll lose one of my clients. {Hurrying on) Stop that 
lally-gagging ! I '11 have you put under guardianship as 
non compos mentis. 



54 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie {bracing feet and staggering). What are 
you kicking about? 

Billy. I won't have you hugging my client. It's 
worse than contempt of court. 

Mandy {with empliasis). Mm! {Scrubs) 

Charlie. It was contempt of court on Biddy's part. 
She caught me courting the scrub-lady. 

Mandy. Mm ! 

Charlie. Passed unanimously. Sister McMullen, 
{Bending over Biddy) some resolution is now in order. 

Elsie {clasping Jiands). Oh! 

Charlie {tenderly) . Won't you make a motion, to 
expedite matters ? 

BihhY {angrily). I tell you to stop. 

Charlie. You don't seem to like it. 

Billy. No, sir; I don't. 

Charlie. I don't, either. Maybe you will, after do- 
ing it as long as I have. Try it. {Throws Biddy into 
Billy's arms with a mighty heave) 

Billy {staggering) . Here! What are you doing? 

Charlie. Not a thing; I'm done. You're doing it 
now. 

ENTER Mike d. l., in a rage. 

Mike {furiously). Here, yous! Thrap me purthy 
little baby shnowflake. {Shakes fist at Billy) 

Billy. All right; I'd have to in a minute. {Drops 
Biddy on Mandy 's back) 

Mandy {throwing her off, ejecting inouthful of gin as 
she staggers back and yells). Yarr! Git off my kid- 
neys, you dropsical old poppyhittimus ! Take that for 
yer impidence ! {Slams scrubbing-brush in Biddy's face) 

Biddy. Wah-hah-yah! Kiss me aisier, Charrules, an' 
shave afore the nixt wan. Thot tasthes loike a dose av 
salts. {Spits) 

Charlie {laughing). It was 'sault — and battery, too. 

Biddy {to Mandy). What are yez laughin' at? ye 
shay-gorilly ! I'll shkulp yez. {Grabs for her hair) 

Mandy. I'll ampitate yer old wig. {Grabs her by 
Jiair; Biddy is on her knees) 



Unacquainted With Work 55 

Mike (to Charlie, angrily). What d'yez mane? It's 
a woondher ye didn't break her. Pick her oop, now. 

Billy. I never picked up a girl in my life — and I 
won't now. I've tried to be respectable. 

Mike. Thin ye've made a domm failure av it. 
{Grimly advancing with fists doubled) Pit 'em oop 
whoile I tache yez somep'n. 

Billy {frightened) . Keep off! — I'll bring an action 
for assault with intent to kill. {Backs off) 

Mike. Oh, sue yer gran'mither for divorsh an' ally- 
money — an' name the grin'shtun for co-reshpondint. 
Ye've got ter foight. 

Billy {in agony, hacking as Mike comes on). I 
won 't ! 

Mike. Take thot, thin! {Slaps Ms face) 

Billy {clapping hand to cheek). Ow! I'll murder 
you! {Strikes hack at him) 

Mike {parrying). Thot's phwat the docther or- 
dhered. Take thot! {Strikes; Billy goes over hack- 
ward into Mandy's pan) 

Billy {leaping to feet with frenzied yell). Ow! Ow! 
it's hot! {Capers) 

ENTER Bennie d. c. 

Bennie. Did ye ring? — {Looking around) any of ye. 

Mike {grimly). No — but I rickon the shyster oughter 
be wrung. 

Charlie {laughing, as Billy waltzes about stage hold- 
ing on trousers) . I guess that's no dream — but he needs 
a clothes wringer. 

TABLEAU. — Mike with fists doubled, scowling; 
Charlie laughing at Billy, who is facing front, holding 
pants with both hands and dancing with pain; Biddy 
and Mandy sitting on floor and tugging at each other's 
hair ; Elsie at wing with hands clasped and look of hor- 
ror and disgust ; Bennie in^ecstasies of mirth up c. 

CURTAIN 



56 Unacquainted With Work 



ACT IV 

SCENE .^ — Same as Acts I, II and III. Thne, a week 
later than Act III. DISCOVERED Aramantha 
sitting in anncJiair. 

Aramantha. Oh dear! The fat's in the fire. 
Charlie promised to marry but all he's got ter show is 
a lot o' breach o' promise cases. I thought Elsie would 
take him, but she won't hear of it. What can I do? He 
and Elsie are both as sot as mules. 

ENTER Jacob D. c. 

Jacob. Good arternoon, Mis' Artichoke. How be ye? 

Aramantha. Oh, so-so! How's Mr. Sharp? 

Jacob. He's duller than Parson Poundtext's Sunday 
sermon an ' a bigger blockhead than that nevvy o ' yourn. 

Aramantha. Then ye cap the climax. Who 's got the 
best ' ye now ? 

Jacob. That same nevvy o' yourn. 

Aramantha. Oh! {Turning to watch Jiim) Yer not 
so sharp as I thought for — an' Charlie's a sight sharper. 
What ye goin' ter dew? 

Jacob. I thought I'd find out what you was goin' ter 
dew — a-fore I done anything. 

Aramantha. Me? Nothin'. What d'ye s'pose I 
was goin' ter dew? 

Jacob. Jest that — nothin' — ^but I thought I'd better 
make sure. {Insinuatingly) Ye don't feel like payin' 
his bills? 

Aramantha. No; or {Thoughtfully) I might 

possibly — ^under certain conditions. He knows them 
a 'ready. 

Jacob. I s'pose he's told ye what's comin'? 

Aramantha. He said ye was goin' ter sue — in thirty 
days. 

Jacob. That's right — an' 



Unacquainted With Work 57 

Aramantha {raising eyebrows). Well? 

Jacob (angrily). 'T ain't well! it's mighty bad. 
Didn't he tell ye what I'll dew then? 

Aramantha {with assumed lack of interest). I for- 
git. What? 

Jacob {furiously) . Ef he don't pjay I'll board him in 
jail until he does. 

Aramantha. The law won 't let ye. 

Jacob. Billy Briefless says so — an' he must know. 

Aramantha. Yes, he knows — but he might lie ter 
git a job. 

Jacob. 'Tenny rate I kin try it. 

Aramantha {carelessly). I don't see what good it's 
goin ' ter dew yer — or him either ! 

Jacob. It'll help my feelin's some — ef it don't his'n. 

Aramantha {stretching and yawning). Well, that's 
Charlie's affair. Talk ter him. 

Jacob {ju7nping up in rage). I won't talk ter him; 
Vllshoivhim. {Hurries off r.) 

Aramantha {as he reaches door), Mr. Sharp! 

Jacob {stopping). What? 

Aramantha. Which ye ruther hev, yer revenge or 
yer money? 

Jacob. My money, o' course. 

Aramantha. I kin show ye how ter git it. 

Jacob {coming hack quickly). How? 

Aramantha. My nephew is kinder sweet on yer 
little niece. 

Jacob ( raging ) . He sha 'n 't marry her I 

Aram.ai<!tha {dryly) . So she says. 

Jacob, I thought she'd hev a leetle sense. 

Aramantha. She hasn't. 

Jacob {dumfounded) . Wha-what! Why? 

Aramantha. 'Cause she was born contrary. 

Jacob {fervently) . Thank the Lord! 

Aramantha. Why? Ef he don't marry her ye 
never '11 git yer pay. 

Jacob (hewildered) . I don't understand. 

Aramantha, Don't ye? That's easy. 



58 Unacquainted With Work 

Jacob {after moment's thought). No, I'm not sharp. 
Yell hev ter explain. 

Aramantha. See here, Jake; make Elsie change her 
mind and marry Charlie. I '11 pay yer bill. 

Jacob. Nothin' dewin'! I vally my niece's happiness 
more than the bill. 

Aramantha. That's the pint; she hain't happy. 

Jacob. Why not ? 

Aramantha. Because she's in love with my nephew 
and still won't marry him. She's breakin' her heart 
over it. 

Jacob. She's got more sense — ef she hasn't she'll git 
over it. 

Aramantha. Git over what? Havin' more sense? 

Jacob. No — not havin' more sense. 

Aramantha {shaking head). I doubt it — if she really 
cares, and I think she does. 

Jacob. She must git over it. He*d let her starve ter 
death ruther than work. 

Aramantha. He has promised ter reform — if he gits 
her. 

Jacob {stubbornly) . He never will ef I kin hender it. 

Aramantha. Then ye never 'II git yer three-ninety 
— from me. 

Jacob. What's a gal's yis or no got ter dew with a 
debt? 

Aramantha. I think as much o' my nephew's hap- 
piness as you dew o' yer niece's. 

Jacob (stubbornly). His happiness is no consarn o' 
mine; my niece's is — an' so is my three-ninety. He 
must git his happiness ef he can, and I'll git my money — 
ef I can. 

Aramantha. See here; don't act nasty. Put in a 
good word for the boy an' yer money's waitin' the 
minute she takes him. The last cent I have will be 
theirs. 

Jacob. He'll peddle ev'ry copper in six months. 

Aramantha {grimly). Not while I'm erlive — and 
I'm goin' ter live some time. 



59 Unacquainted With Work ^ 

Jacob. You've more confidence in him than I have. 

Aramantha. Then ye won't use yer influence in the 
boy 's favor 1 

Jacob {smiting palm with fist). No — not for twice 
the money ! 

Aramantha. Will ye let Elsie decide and not try ter 
influence her? 

Jacob {tJiinki^ig a minute). Yes, I'll dew that much. 
Elsie's got tew much sense ter take him anyway. 

Aramantha. We '11 hope not — ef ye want yer money. 

Jacob. I dew ; I can 't 'ford ter lose it. Good-bye. 

[EXIT D. c. 
ENTER Elsie d. r. 

Elsie {not seeing Aramantha) . How different things 
would be if lie were what he might have been. {Sits R. 
of table, lays head on her arms upon it and sobs bitterly) 

Aramantha. Don't worry; he will be what he might 
have ben. 

Elsie {sitting up and looking round). Oh, it's you, 
is it? 

Aramantha. I think so — an' I oughter know. He 
ivill be what he might have ben. 

Elsie {dashing away tears, fiercely). He never will! 
He would do anything rather than work. 

Aramantha. Don't say him nay and you'll see. 

Elsie {starting to feet). I will say him nay and I 
won't see him, never! never! never! 

Aramantha. Why, Elsie! You promised ter think 
it over. 

Elsie {bitterly). I did think it over — and began to 
think favorably, too. 

Aramantha {dryly). Ye don't seem ter think so 
now. 

Elsie. Nor would you had you heard what I did. 

Aramantha. What now? 

Elsie {with spirit). I won't disgrace myself by 
tattling. 

Aramantha. Oh, come, Elsie ! Has my nephew done 
something so bad it would disgrace ye ter tell of it ? 



60 Unacquainted With Work 

Elsie. He has. 

Aramantha {sharply). Yer mistaken. 

Elsie. I 'm not mistaken. 

Aramantha. Then yer crazy — or he is. 

Elsie. He may be — but I'm not. I heard him pro- 
posing to another horrid girl — in that very chair — and 
she accepted him ! 

Aramantha. What ! 

Elsie. It's a fact ; and she wasn't even respectable. 

Aramantha {astonished). Who was she? 

Elsie, I don't know. She kept her face hidden. 
Finally she did refuse to let him kiss her and ran away. 

Aramantha. You hev no idee who she was ? 

Elsie. No ; some horrid creature in an impossible red 
shawl and a hideous old bonnet with a bunch of cherries 
on it. 

Aramantha. Hum! (Aside) Sounds like the bun- 
nit an' shawl I lost. {Aloud) What did she look like? 

Elsie. She had her veil down and kept her shawl 
over her face. She must have been young; she wasn't 
more than so tall. {Indicating) I think she was an 
actress. 

Aramantha. What makes you think so % 

Elsie. The way she was dressed. • 

Aramantha. What did she wear — ^beside the impos- 
sible red shawl and the hideous old bunnit with the 
cherries on it? 

Elsie. I can't tell it, even to you. 

Aramantha. Nonsense ! Ye can tell me anything. 

Elsie. A pair of Oh, I can 't ! 

Aramantha {sharply). Yis, ye can ; out with it ! A 
pair o' what? ^ 

Elsie {faintly). Kn-knickers! {Hides face) 

Aramantha. Mercy! She must ha' ben a bally-gal. 

Elsie {uncovering face). It's worse than that — at 
least she was young. There's more yet. 

Aramantha. Wuss than a bally-gal in panties ? Im- 
possible ! 

Elsie {viciously). It isn't! Whom do you suppose 



Unacquainted With Work 61 

I caught him hugging — on that very spot? {Pointing 
dramatically) 

Aramantha. Wuss than a bally-gal ? I can 't guess — 
onless 'twas old Jake Sharp. 

Elsie {dramatically), MandyMurch! 

Aramantha {dumbfounded). What! The scrub- 
woman ? 

Elsie. Nobody else — I mean everybody else. 

Aramantha. Ev'ryloody else! That seems ter settle 
it. A bally- gal in trowses and a scrub-woman old 
enough ter be his gran 'mother ! We '11 face him. Some- 
body 's comin' now; I reckon it's him. 

Elsie. Face him if you want to; / won't. 

[EXIT quickly d. r. 

Aramantha {calling). Wait a minute! She's gone! 
No matter; I reckon I'm enough fer this job. 
ENTER Charlie d. c. 

Aramantha {sharply). Well, sir! Where's yer 
bally-gal? 

Charlie {thunderstruck). My what? 

Aramantha. Yer bally-gal. I 've found her out. 

Charlie. Have you? {Sotto voce) That's more 
than I've done! {Aloud) What ballet girl? 

Aramantha. The one in the impossible red shawl an' 
the hideous old bunnit with the bunch o ' cherries on it. 

Charlie {amazed). What do you know about the 
girl in the red shawl and the impossible bonnet ? 

Aramantha. I know all about her, sir — and her 
knickerbockers, too. 

Charlie. Did she have on knickerbockers ? 

Aramantha. You oughter know. You made love ter 
her ; / didn 't. 

Charlie. Maybe I should — ^but I don't! 

Aramantha. Do ye deny it? 

Charlie. No, Aunt Aramantha — unless it's the 
knickerbockers ! 

Aramantha {eagerly). Then ye dew deny them? 

Charlie {hesitating). N-no, I'm afraid I can't. I 
never noticed. 



62 Unacquainted With Work 

Aramantha (sarcastically). Mebbe ye never noticed 
how it tastes ter kiss a scrub-woman ? 

Charlie {starting). Oh, yes, I did; {With grimace) 
like soapsuds and ancient eggs. 

Aramantha. What ye tryin ' ter dew ? Hug an' kiss 
the hull poppylation ? 

Charlie. Get married inside of thirty days — and I 
certainly got acquainted with work. 

Aramantha, Yer time is 'bout up. Goin' ter suc- 
ceed? 

Charlie. Sure ! — or break a leg trying. 

Aramantha {dryly). I hear ye've tried a few. 

Charlie. A dozen, I'll bet! 

Aramantha {sarcastically). How many d'ye 'spect 
ter marry? 

Charlie. It remains to be seen. They all were will- 
ing at first, but got mad and sued for divorce and things 
afterward. That confounded Billy Briefless stirred 
them up. 

Aramantha. Ye've queered yerself with Elsie An- 
drews — the only one wuth lookin' at. 

Charlie {bitterly). I never had a chance there. 

Aramantha. Why not? 

Charlie. I don't know. 

Aramantha. I know. 

Charlie. Then tell me — quick! 

Aramantha {angrily). Because no gal but a scrub- 
woman or a bally-gal — with or without knickerbockers — 
would ever think twice of you. 

Charlie {recoiling, imploringly). Don't! 

Aramantha {rising and crossing to Mm, sternly). 
I will — f er it 's true. What have ye done that 's a credit 
ter the name ye bear ? Nothin ' ! 

Charlie. Aunt Aramantha 

Aramantha {'breaking in, sJiaking finger warningly). 
Hold yer tongue ! I will be heard. 

Charlie {throwing back head and folding arms). 
Speak, then. 

Aramantha. I will speak ! You had a good father 



Unacquainted With Work 63 

an' mother an' a decent bringin'-up. Why are ye a dis- 
grace ter it an' them? 

Charlie (starting impetuously forward). Aunt Ara- 
mantha 

Aramantha (raising hand; he stops). Wait! You 
have good blood, good looks, eddication, an' sometimes 
ye seem ter hev good sense. What hev they brought ye? 
Nothin'. Ye did hev the love of a good gal — an' ye 
forfeited it by entanglements with ignorant servants an ' 
disrepitable characters of all sorts. 

Charlie (clenching hands). I can bear no more! 
(Turns away) 

Aramantha (pitilessly). Ye had my love and 
esteem — and ye forfeited them tew. Ye had abilities — 
an' yer proudest boast is ter be onacquainted with work. 

Charlie (despairingly). Oh! (Flings himself in 
chair r. of table) 

Aramantha (following). Ye've lost ev'ry thing by 
yer own lazy, useless existence — yer driftin' downward 
ter yer own destruction. 

Charlie. Have mercy on me ! (Buries face in arms 
on table) 

Aramantha. Did ye hev any mercy on me? — or on 
Elsie Andrews? When ye promised ter marry an' re- 
form, Avhat did ye dew? Got engaged ter a scrub- 
woman, chambermaid, bally-gal, strollin' old maid an' 
the Lord only knows who else, even a nigger cook, an' 
left a gal tew good fer ye ter eat out her lovin' leetle 
heart alone! 

Charlie (starting to feet). I didn't! I'd do any- 
thing for her love. 

Aramantha (hitingly). Except work. 

Charlie. For her sake I would have reformed. Not 
work? I would work my fingers to the bone, would 
sweat out my heart's blood to call her mine. 

Aramantha (contemptuously). D'ye expect me ter 
b'lieve that? 

Charlie. Believe it or not, it is God's truth. 

Aramantha. Then why didn't ye marry her? 



64 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie. She would not marry me. ' 

Aramantha. She would. 

Charlie. She wouldn't; she said so repeatedly. 

Aramantha. Oh, you fool! Don't ye know what a 
woman's ''no" means? 

Charlie. I could not doubt what hers meant. 

Aramantha (sarcastically). Proberly not — arter she'd 
ketcht ye makin' love ter that scum. 

Charlie (astonished). Did she do that ? 

Aramantha. Sure she did. 

Charlie. Oh, what a fool I have been ! 

Aramantha (dryly). I'm glad yer beginnin' ter 
realize it. Why didn't ye marry her in spite o' herself? 
Why don't ye now? 

Charlie (sadly). It is too late. Even if she loves 
me she would never consent now. 

Aramantha. Make her consent. 

Charlie. How can I ? 

Aramantha. I don't care how. Run away with her 
and keep her till she does consent, ef there's no other 
way. She'd thank ye for it some day. 

Charlie. You almost give me fresh courage. If I 

were clear of my entanglements If I could only 

win her 

Aramantha (eagerly). Will ye try ter win her? 

Charlie. Will I try ter win heaven? 

Aramantha. Then once more — for the last time! — 
I'll help ye. I'll git ye clear somehow — how I don't 
know. But I'll git ter work. (Goes r.) I'll send 
Elsie in ; mind ye put yer best foot for 'ard. 

[EXIT D. R. 

Charlie. It's too good to be true! If Elsie really 
does love me, I will win her; nothing shall stop me. I 
will be a man. 

ENTER Billy d. l. 

Billy. Good-morning, Mr. Chester. 
Charlie (coldly). How do you do? 
Billy. You do not seem over-cordial. 



Unacquainted With Work 65 

Charlie. I do not feel so. 

Billy. Perhaps it is not strange, but we can scarcely 
afford to be on bad terms. 

Charlie. Why not ? 

Billy. I can't, because of what you can do for me; 
you can't because of what I can do for you, as well as 
against you. 

Charlie. Explain. 

Billy. I can get judgment against you in Sharp's 
action, with costs, and damages in the breach of promise 
cases of Sausage, McMullen, et al. — ^if it is for my in- 
terest. 

Charlie. What if it isn 't ? 

Billy. With my legal ability I can promise they will 
all be withdrawn or settled. If any ever reach the jury 
they will be decided in your favor — if it is for my in- 
terest. 

Charlie (restraining himself). In other words, you 
are willing to sell out your clients — if it is for your 
interest. 

Billy (deprecatingly) . I don't like to put it so — I 
am a lawyer, — but — {Shrugging shoulders) have it your 
own way. 

Charlie. You are a mighty shrewd attorney — when 
it is for your interest. 

Billy (smirking). You are complimentary, Mr. 
Chester. But that is not all I can do for you. 

Charlie. Indeed! What else? 

Billy. You do not stand very high with your worthy 
and wealthy aunt just now. 

Charlie. Not very. 

Billy. I will use my influence to change that — if it 
is for my interest. 

Charlie. You have no influence with Aunt Ara- 
mantha. 

Billy. To be frank with a friend (Charlie draws 
hack)^ I haven't much now; it may be greater soon. 
That would be for your interest, and mine— as I am a 
lawyer. 



6Q Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie {still restraining himself). You are an able 
one in your way — (Billy hoivs and smirks) only I don't 
like your way. What do you want for the services you 
offer? 

Billy (smirking). You also have a legal mind. 
Each of us would expect a quid pro quo, but I would 
not be hard on a friend ( Charlie clenches hands and re- 
coils again), but I would like a little assistance in re- 
turn. 

Charlie. Such as (Stops) 

Billy. Using your influence to get me into your 
worthy — and wealthy — aunt's favor first. That would 
be for your interest, and also for mine. The position of 
legal adviser and business man for Mrs. Artichoke is not 
without its possibilities. 

Charlie. In plain words, you could swindle her as 
you pleased. 

Billy (holding up hand). Break yourself of speak-- 
ing with such brutal plainness. Such words are action- 
able — if you were not my friend. 

Charlie (sharply). Cut that out! Is that all you 
want? 

Billy. After I get you made your aunt's heir you 
might advance me such sums as we agree upon. 

Charlie. Pay you blackmail, eh? 

Billy (remonstratingly) . Oh, no, not that. Just 
deferred pay for services. Curb your picturesque lan- 
guage. 

Charlie. Is that all? 

Billy. I believe so. (Suddenly, as if remembering) 
Oh, there was one other thing I should insist upon 
with anybody but a very dear friend. In return for 
the services I shall render you, you should promise to 
do nothing to win the esteem of Miss Andrews. I am 
going to marry her. I should expect you to go away 
somewhere — and stay there. 

Charlie (in terrible voice). Is that all? 

Billy. Yes. Have I made my meaning clear? 

Charlie. So clear I could hardly keep from kicking 



Unacquainted With Work 67 

you to kingdom come, before I found out into what 
depths of iniquity you would descend. 

Billy (drawing hack in alarm). Mr. Chester 

Charlie (interrupting) . Keep your mouth shut — or 
take the consequences! Oh, you shyster! you villain! 
you unspeakable thing! (Advancing) 

Billy (hacking off). If you touch me I'll bring an 
action. Is this your answer to my friendly offer ? 

Charlie (furiously). No, you coward! — but tliis is. 
(Strikes him with fiat of hand; Billy goes down) Lie 
there ! you vermin ! and be thankful I do not murder you. 

Billy (terrified, rising on elhow). Don't touch me! 
I '11 tell you the real character of Elsie Andrews. 

Charlie. Take her name on your foul tongue again 
and I will kill you, if I swing for it. (Seizes his collar 
and drags him l.) 

Billy (savagely, struggling). Let me go or it'll be 
the worse for you ! 

Charlie. I '11 let you go — but I 'II never let you come 
back again. (Drags him to feet) Get out! (Kicks 
him off stage l. and turns and comes c.) The dirty 
blackmailer! I wonder I hadn't killed him! 

Billy (reappearing d. l., furiously). I'll go, but I'll 
get even with you. (Charlie starts l.) Yes — I'm off — 
but when I come back — look out! (Shakes fist at him 
and vanishes d. l. ) 

Charlie (coming hack). He'd better be off if he wants 
to be left in the shape of a man ! 

ENTER Bennie c, with Aramantha's bonnet and 

shawl. 

Bennie (stops at sight of Charlie; aside). 'Course 
he's here! Darn it! I'll never git red o' these duds. 
(Putting them hehind him as Charlie- turns. Aloud) 
Did ye ring, sir ? 

Charlie. No (Curiously) What's in your 

hand? 

Bennie. Nothin'. 



68 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie. Don ^t lie to me. It 's some kind of cloth. 

Bennie {contemptuously). Oh, tJiat! That's only 
my hanky chiff. 

Charlie (surprised). Handkerchief? It 's big enough 
for a table-cloth. 

Bennie. I got a big nose. 

Charlie {suspiciously). But it's red! 

Bennie. So 's me nose. 

Charlie. That wouldn 't make your handkerchief red. 

Bennie. 'Twould, tew ; 'twas bleedin '. 

Charlie. Nonsense! It couldn't unless it bled four 
or five gallons. You've been up to some deviltry. 

Bennie {quickly, hacking off). Naw, I hain't. Me 
nose done it all ; it bled the hull bigness of it. 

Charlie {still suspicious). You can't stuff that down 
my throat. 

Bennie. No — {To himself) but I'd like tew! 

Charlie. Show me what you have there. 

Bennie (recoiling). 1 — I darsn't — ^but 'tain't me 
hanky chifp. It's — it's a flag. 

Charlie (astonished). A flag. What are you doing 
with a red flag ? 

Bennie (edging off). I've jined the Bolshevehicles. 
I 'm one Anna Kissed. 

Charlie (resolutely, advancing). Show me what you 
have there. 

Bennie ( hacking ) . I darsn 't. 

Charlie (inexorahly) . You've got to! 

Bennie (in desperation). I'll see ye in Hamilton, 
0. N, T. fust. (Backs out c. and runs off) 

Charlie (coming down). What ailed the boy? He 
never acted like that before. No matter; I've other 
things to worry over. 

ENTER Sally d. r. 

Sally. Does yo' want me, sah? 



Unacquainted With Work 69 

ENTER Elsie d. r. 

Charlie (thinking it is Elsie, ivJiirling). 'Tis she! 
(CatcJies Sally in his arms) Want you? Yesterday, 
to-clay and forever! (Kisses her passionately) 

Elsie (horrified). The cook! 

Charlie (recognizing her, recoiling) . The nigger! 

ENTER Biddy d. c. 

Biddy. Did yez want me ? 

Charlie (looking over shoulder). Yes, I want you 
to 

Biddy (interrupting). Thin ye shall have me, too. 
(Flings herself into his arms. He supports both with 
difficulty) 

ENTER Andromeda d. l. 

Andromeda. Do you want me, false and fickle one? 

Charlie (in desperation) . Don't I look as if I did? 

Andromeda. A look is enough! Take me! (Flings 
herself on him and embraces the hunch. Whole group 
staggers and nearly falls) 

Charlie (wildly). Hurrah for women's rights! 
They're actually reigning. 

ENTER Mandy d. c. 

Mandy. D 'ye need the scrub-woman to-day ? 

Charlie (desperately). I always need another 
woman in my business. For heaven's sake get me out. 
(Struggles) 

Mandy. Leggo, afore ye smudder the poor devil! 
(Flings arms round Charlie from behind and pulls. 
They sway) 

ENTER Bennie d. c, shawl and bonnet on, veil down. 

Bennie. D'ye want me, sir? 

Charlie (wildly). One more won't make any dif- 
ference. Come on ! 

Bennie. I '11 wait till the shell busts and pick up the 
pieces. 



70 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Mike d. l. 

Mike. Where's me darlin' little Chicky-Biddy ? 

Biddy (gasping). Hilp, Moike! It's shtuffycated I 
am. 

Mike {rushing on). Lave her go, ye shpalpane! 
{Flings women aside) Out av me way, ye sha-ally- 
gators! {Drags Biddy out and Jiolds her in his arms) 

ENTER Billy, hastily, d. l., revolver in hand. 

Billy {furiously). Nobody can kick Billy Briefless 
and live. Charles Chester, your time has come! (Ben- 
NiE throws shawl over him as he fires) 

Mike {flinging off Biddy, clutching face, hopping up 
and yelling). Ow! me nowse! Bring back me only 
nowse ! It 's in Rooshy be this toime. 

Billy {tearing off shawl). Missed him — but I won't 
again! {Takes deliberate aim at Charlie) 

Elsie {rushing on wildly, followed by Aramantha). 
Murderer! You shall not kill him! {Darts before 
Charlie, hand raised, palm outward, as he fires. Elsie 
topples backward into Charlie's arms) 

Aramantha {with hand extended toward Elsie). 
Monster ! Behold your work ! 

CURTAIN 



ACT V 

SCENE. — Same as previous acts. Time, the twenty- 
ninth day. DISCOVERED Aramantha at l. of 



table. 



ENTER Bennie d. c. 



Bennie. Did ye ring, ma 'am 1 

Aramantha. No; I want nothin'. (Thinks deeply) 
Bennie (after pause, coming down). 'Scuse me, 
Mis' Artichoke; how's Miss Elsie? 

Aramantha (sadly). No change, Ben. She jest lays 



Unacquainted With Work 71 

there in a sog ; the bullet cracked her skull. The doctor 
can't tell ef there's any chance. She may rally all at 
once, or she may never come teiv. 

Bennie. Poor Miss Elsie! If Bill Briefless had ter 
shoot somebody I wisht he'd taken a crack at old Jake. 
I wouldn 't hev thro wed no shawls over his head then. 

Aramantha. I don't begrudge the shawl none, ef 
'twas my best one. I s'pose the landlord is pooty bitter 
on Billy ; he seemed ter think a lot of Elsie. 

Bennie. Lor ', no ! he lays it all ter Mr. Charles ; says 
it never 'd happened ef he'd paid his bills an' treated 
Billy decent. 

Aramantha. Thank the Lord that villain is where he 
can 't dew no more hurt ! 

Bennie. Don't be tew sure. Jake's helpin' him. 
He 'd go his bonds in a minute. 

Aramantha (surprised). What! Bail him? Why? 

Bennie. Billy's handlin' a law-case for him, an' Jake 
hates Mr. Charles, 

Aramantha. The old skinflint ! 

Bennie. The boss is some nigh. Say, did ye ever 
find that pocketbook ye lost ? 

Aramantha (quickly). How do you know I lost a 
pocketbook ? 

Bennie. I heard Billy tellin' old Jake. 

Aramantha. How did he find out? 

Bennie. Dunno! He said he knew who took it, an' 
could prove it. 

Aramantha. Who'd he say took it? 

Bennie. Charlie Chester. 

Aramantha. You don 't b 'lieve that ? 

Bennie. No, but the landlord did. It was all cooked 
up ter 'rest him afore the shootin ' scrape. 

Aramantha. That devil wasn't jugged any tew soon. 

Bennie. No, but he'll be out agin. He's slippery 's 
a greased snake. You'll see. 

Aramantha (viciously). They'd better raise a mob 
ter lynch him! Say, hev you any idee who took my 
pocketbook? 



72 Unacquainted With Work 

Bennie. No — 'thout Bill stole it hisself. 

Aramantha. What made ye think o ' him ? 

Bennie. P'r'aps it was 'cause he's ben ruther iinsh 
lately. He 's got all them breachy promise cases, though. 

Aramantha. Well, keep yer eyes an' ears open. 
Send Mr. Charles here ef he 's in. 

Bennie. All right. (Goes to d. c.) Lemma know 
how Miss Elsie gits erlong. 

Aramantha. Yis, my boy. There's a heart in that 
dried up leetle carkiss o' yourn. 

Bennie. Why shouldn't there be? She was allers 
good ter me. [EXIT d. c. 

Aramantha. Queer how Bill Briefless found out I'd 
had a pocketbook stole when I 've never told a livin ' soul 
but the detective. The boy's blundered on somethin' 
important. I'll tell Ketchum— but where is he? 

ENTEE Charlie d. c. 

Charlie. Oh, Aunt Aramantha ! How is she ? They 
will not let me see her or tell me how she is. 

Aramantha. Never mind ; keep yer courage up. 

Charlie. How can 11 The suspense is maddening. 
To think that she should be lying there, perhaps dying, 
and they won 't even tell me how she is ! 

Aramantha. They can't, my boy. She may rouse 
any minute, or die jest as suddenly. No one can tell. 

Charlie. And that assassin liable to be out on bail 
any minute ! If he is I '11 kill him ! 

Aramantha. Oh, Charlie! promise me you won't. 
(Running to Mm and throwing arms around Ms neck) 

Charlie. I won't; if Elsie dies I'll kill him as sure 
as heaven I 

Aramantha. And die a shameful death ! — and break 
her heart ! — and leave me all alone ! 

Charlie. The law is too slow and uncertain. 

Aramantha. You'll give yer own life up to it ter 
pay the penalty ! 

Charlie. It is valueless to me. 



Unacquainted With Work 73 

. Aramantha. Do you not think Elsie's spirit would 
grieve for you, in this world or the next ? 

Charlie. I never thought of that. 

Aramantha. Promise me, Charlie ! 

Charlie. Hoav can I— with that sweet girl on the 
threshold of the grave? 

Aramantha. Do not add to the abomination of it. 

Promise ! 

Charlie {after pause, drawing long breath). Well, 
I promise— unless he tries me beyond endurance. 

Aramantha. Spoken like my noble boy! (Kisses 
him) 

ENTER Bennie d. c. 

Bennie {at door) . Gent ter see ye, Mis' Artichoke. 

Aramantha. Show him in. Run away, Charlie; 
mebbe it's private business. [EXIT Bennie d. l. 

Charlie. If there's the slightest change in Elsie— 
{Catching breath) either way— for God's sake let me 
know! 

Aramantha. I will ; run erlong, boy. 

Charlie. Heaven knows how hard it is ! [EXIT D. C 

ENTER Justus d. l. 

Aramantha. Well, what success? 

Justus (coming on, looking cautiously around) . Any 
danger of being overheard ? 

Aramantha. No — not ef we don't talk tew loud. 
Set down. 

Justus. Thank you. {They sit opposite at table.) 

Aramantha {impatiently). Well! Don't keep me 
waitin' all day. 

Justus. Things are working all right with the 
breach of promise cases. We'll quash most of them. 

Aramantha. That's good — so far. 

Justus. In regard to the pocketbook, I haven't been 
so fortunate. There are few clues, but what there are 
point one way. 



74 Unacquainted With Work 

Aramantha. Which way ? 

Justus. Pardon me if I hurt your feelings. 

Aramantha (resolutely). My feelin's oughter be 
past hurtin' by this time. 

Justus. To your nephew. 

Aramantha. I was 'fraid so. Nevertheless the boy's 
innercent. 

Justus. Pardon me — how do you know ? 

Aramantha. I don't; I feel it. 

Justus. Feelings should not overbalance facts — and 
those are against him. 

Aramantha (scornfully). It's a plant. My nephew 
has an enemy. 

Justus. The man under arrest? 

Aramantha (surprised). So ye 've found that out! 

Justus (smiling). You hired me" to find out things. 

Aramantha. I didn't think ye'd be so spry 'bout 
it. 

Justus. That wasn't hard. Nevertheless I have not 
been able to connect him with the robbery or the plot 
you suspect. 

Aramantha. If my nephew stole my money, why is 
he in debt? There's an action against him for six 
months' board. 

Justus. That is unusual for a thief with ten thou- 
sand — but he may be unusually clever. 

Aramantha. I told you of my loss in confidence ; have 
you told anybody else? 

Justus. Certainly not. 

Aramantha. I haven't told a soul, either. 

Justus. I must compliment you. Well? 

Aramantha. It leaked out just the same. 

Justus (quickly). What? Who knows it? 

Aramantha. That critter in the stun jug. 

Justus. A starting point at last ! How do you know 
he knows ? 

Aramantha. The bellhop beared him tell the land- 
lord. He laid it on ter Charlie, and said he could 
prove it. 



Unacquainted With Work 75 

Justus. Is the bellboy reliable? 

Aramantha. I think so — in this ease. The boy 
likes me. 

Justus. Good! {Getting up quickly) We'll get the 
fellow now ; a criminal always overreaches himself some- 
where. (Goes l.) I think Briefless would hang him- 
self quicker if he had more rope — (Going hack) and he's 
in jail. 

Aramantha (spitefully). That's the place fer him! 

Justus. Right! — but he'd be more likely to be there 
to stay if he could run around a few days. 

Aramantha, What are ye drivin ' at ? 

Justus {thoughtfully). He's trying to get out on 
bail. 

Aramantha. Yis — an ' Jake Sharp 'd go his bonds in 
a minute — but the Court Avon't let him. 

Justus {reflectively) . The Court might be managed. 
He'd need another bondsman — but that might be man- 
aged, too. 

Aramantha {smiling hroadly). Then go ter yer 
managin' — but I should hate ter be in your shews ef he 
gits away for good. 

Justus. You need not worry, only I did not want 
you to lose confidence. We want that pocketbook, and 
the only man who can lead us to it is in prison now — 
but mum is the word. [EXIT d. l. 

Aramantha. I guess he knows what he 's about ; I '11 
trust him. Now I'll go see if there is any change in 
Elsie. [EXIT d. r. 

ENTER Charlie d. c. 

Charlie (going down). Oh, the agony of it! 
{Flings himself in chair at tahle) If I could only do 
something to help her! {Rises and paces up and down 
stage) The suspense is killing me. {Throivs himself in 
chair again, burying face in arms on table: sits up a 
moment later) But this is foolish, cowardly. {Reso- 
lutely) I must throw ofi this weakness. 



76 Unacquainted With Work 

ENTER Jacob D. R. 

Jacob. Good-morning, Mr. Chester. 

Charlie. Good-morning, Landlord. 

Jacob. Can ye settle that bill this mornin'? 

Charlie. My thirty days are not up. 

Jacob. They Avill be termorrer. My need is pressin' 
owin' ter my niece's illness. 

Charlie (quickly). How is she? 

Jacob {harshly). That don't consarn ye — ^my bill 
does. 

Charlie. I haven't the money yet. 

Jacob. I've reasons fer thinkin' ye have. 

Charlie. Where could I get it ? 

Jacob. I don 't care where ye got it — ef ye pay me. 

Charlie. If I do, you '11 have to tell me where it is to 
come from. 

Jacob. Ye know. {Looking around cautiously, 
speaking low, hand to 7nouth) The old woman. 

Charlie. Aunt Aramantha? (Jacob 7iods) I 
wouldn't let her give it to me, and she would never 
lend it. 

Jacob {meaningly). Ef she knowed it. 

Charlie {indignantly). Do you think I would steal 
it of her? 

Jacob {uneasily). We was talkin' 'bout horryin'. 

Charlie. But you meant stealing. I didn't think 
you would take money if you knew it had been stolen. 

Jacob {sullenly). My bill is honest — and I need the 
cash. I only said it wouldn 't be hard ter git^ef ye had 
any spunk. 

Charlie {indignantly). I will never do it. 

Jacob. Suit yerself ; I never axed ye tew. Somebody 
didn 't hev so many scruples. 

Charlie {surprised). What do you mean ? 

Jacob. Nothin'. Ye've got the money, an' it'll go 
hard with ye unless I get three-ninety of it. {Signifi- 
cantly) Somebody borried money of yer a'nt — when 
she wasn't lookin'. 

Charlie. Has she been robbed? 



Unacquainted With Work 77 

Jacob (sneering). 0' course you didn't know it. 

Charlie {jumping up, furiously ^ fists doubled). Do 
you accuse me of stealing from my benefactress ? 

Jacob ( hacking off) . Borried ; I said horried. 

Charlie. But you meant stole. 

Jacob. Wall, somebody wasn't quite so honest as you 
pertend ter be. 

Charlie. Do you mean to say somebody has robbed 
my aunt? 

Jacob (sulkily). I don't mean ter say anything. 

Charlie. I never did it. 

Jacob. Ye never done anything — but it's you that's 
goin' ter suffer fer it, unless ye pay yer debts. I can 
prove who did it. 

Charlie (furiously). You old Shylock ! Get it be- 
fore I am ready to pay it — if you can! Get out! 
(Starts for him) 

Jacob (retreating d. r.). I'll git it. Jest wait an' 
see what you'll git. [EXIT hastily d. r. 

Charlie. Let him go! I don't know what he is up 
to, but time will tell. (Sits despondently in armchair) 

ENTER Andromeda d. l. 

Andromeda. Nobody here! I'm doomed to disap- 
pointment. (Sighs and goes c.) 

Charlie (sitting up and looking round). Blest if it 
isn 't ' ' A Daughter of the Gods. ' ' 

Andromeda (clasping hands sentimentally) . My love, 
my god, by faithless lover! 

Charlie (aside). I'd rather not be a god than have 
that for a daughter. 

Andromeda. I've come again. If thou wilt, I wilt. 
(Hurries forward with open arms) 

Charlie (jumping up and running around chair). I 
see you've come, and you do look wilted! 

Andromeda (stopping). What do you mean ? 

Charlie. Don't know — till I find out what you mean. 

Andromeda. I mean business. 

Charlie. You're right; it is a mean business. 



78 Unacquainted With Work 

Andromeda. What is 1 

Charlie. This breach of promise business. 

Andromeda. Then keep your promises without 
breaches. 

Charlie. I won't; 111 hang back in the breeching. 

Andromeda. Then I '11 drive you. 

Charlie. You'll need sharp spurs and a strong rein. 
I'm going to balk. 

Andromeda. You'll have to go when I drive. 

Charlie. I doubt it — though they say he has to go 
whom the devil drives. 

Andromeda (screaming). Oh! He says I'm the 
devil ! 

Charlie. No; only his second cousin. But you act 
like the devil. 

Andromeda. I 'm no relation to the gentleman. 

Charlie. You look like the devil, anyway. 

Andromeda (ivildly). Oh, that I should come to 
this! — because of ''A Daughter of the Gods." 

Charlie. Oh, that this {with gesture) should come 
to me — because of ''A Daughter of the Gods!" 

Andromeda {pulling huge hatpin). Villain! I'll 
run you through. 

Charlie. You'll have to run me down first, and I'll 
start now. No breeching for me this time; it's neck to 
the collar for mine ! [She runs him out d. l. 

ENTER Bennie d. c. 

Bennie. There'll be suthin' dewin' now that cuss 
is out o' jail agin. He's tew handy with his shewtin'- 
iron. He'll be peekin' round agin, same's ever. I seen 
him peekin' inter the knot-hole in the pear-tree in the 
gardin t'other day; wonder what's in there. I'm goin' 
out ter see. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Charlie d. l., out of hreath. 

Charlie. Whew! I had to go some to keep the old 
maid's sucker-spear out of me. It's a wonder I'm not 
pinned to the door of the henhouse, like a bug in a 



Unacquainted With Work 79 

cabinet. I thought she had me out in the yard, but she 
tried to fly over a hencoop, and that settled it. She wasn 't 
hen enough. (Laughs) The last I saw she was comb- 
ing out her back hair with a pair of Alice-blue stock- 
ings : I dodged around the henhouse and left her kicking 
in the crown of her own hat. {Sits l. of table) 

ENTER Aramantha d. r. 

Aramantha. Elsie's unconscious yit, but she holds 
her own. I guess she'll pull through. {Sits in arm- 
chair) 

Charlie. Thank heaven for that ! 

ENTER Jacob and Billy d. l. 

Charlie {starting up). You here, you assassin! 
(Billy shrinks hack) 

Aramantha ( cautioning ) . Careful, Charlie ! ( Crosses 
and detains him) 

Jacob {threateningly). None o' that! The doctor 
says nobodj^ 's goin ' ter die, so there hain 't no assassin. 

Billy {ptdling himself together). My client here 
{Indicating Jacob) has come to collect board due him up 
to date. If not paid before twelve o'clock to-night, ac- 
tion to recover same, with costs, will be taken. 

Aramantha. If that is all 

Charlie {interrupting). Let me do the talking. 
{To Billy) I haven't the money now and I won't pay 
until I get ready. I 've one day more. 

Jacob {prompting Billy). Ef he don't pay, tell him 
what we'll dew. 

Billy. Then prepare for — {Shudders) a prison cell. 

Charlie. What for? 

Jacob {gleefully). As ef ye didn 't know ! Tell him, 
Billy. 

Billy {looking everywhere hut at hearers), Mrs. 
Artichoke has had a big, old-fashioned pocketbook stolen 



80 Unacquainted With Work 

from her room, containing a large sum in money and 
securities. 

Aramantha {quickly), How'd ye find that out? I 
never told on it. 

Billy (confused). I — I saw it stolen. 

Aramantha. How ? 

Billy. I — I climbed the tree in front of your win- 
dow — ^to get Miss Elsie's kitten — and saw the thief 
take it. 

Aramantha. More likely ye crawled in an' stole it 
yerself ! (He shrinks hack) How'd ye know what was 
in the wallet ? 

Billy (startled). Why — I — ^Mr. Sharp told me. 

Jacob. Why, Billy Briefless ! You told me. 

Billy (Imstily). I — I forgot. (Apologetically) Ex- 
cuse me; I've been through a good deal. The thief 
opened the pocketbook and counted its contents, and — 
and I counted, too. 

Aramantha (with sarcasm). He proberly would 
count his plunder afore he made off. Who was he ? 

Billy (viciously). Charles Chester. 

Charlie (Aramantha restraining). You cur 

Aramantha. Sh! (Holds him) Billy, prove that 
or take the consequences ! 

Billy (shrinking). Oh, I'll prove it. Show them 
what you found, Mr. Sharp. 

Jacob (producing folded paper). See ef ye know 
what that is. (Gives it to Aramantha) 

Aramantha (unfolding it). One o' the stolen bonds! 
How 'd you come by it ? 

Jacob. I found it. 

Aramantha. Where ? 

Jacob (triumphantly) . In yer nephew's trunk. 

Charlie (angrily). What business had you in my 
trunk ? 

Jacob. Billy told me his s'picions an' axed ef I 
wouldn't look fer proofs. 

Charlie (enraged). I'll strangle you! (Starts for- 
ward) 



Unacquainted With Work 81 

Aramantha {holding Mm hack). Easy, Charlie! 
Let me talk now. {Toothers) What ye goin' ter dew? 

Billy. After this is settled? {Shows bill) 

Aramantha. Why — yis. 

Billy. If Mr. Chester will go away immediately, and 
never return — nothing. 

Aramantha {restraining Charlie). Ye know what 
compomidin' a felony is? 

Billy. We won't call it that. We do it out of per- 
sonal regard. 

Aramantha. What ye call it don't make no differ- 
ence. 

Charlie {hr caking away). Do your worst. I defy 
you! 

Jacob. Ye'U be sorry fer this. 

Billy {with rising resentment) . You're right. This 
isn't the only hold we have. (Crosses l.) 

Aramantha. What next? 

Billy {calling off). Come in! {Returning) The 
breach of promise business is next, Mrs. Artichoke. 

Aramantha. Where's yer plaintiff? 

Charlie. She ought to be here. 

Jacob {triumphantly). She tt^iZ^ be here. 

Billy. She is here. {With dramatic gesture) Be- 
hold her ! 

ENTER Sally, Biddy, Mandy and Andromeda d. l. 

Charlie. Whew! .{Whistling) Some of her! 

Aramantha {adjusting spectacles). All right; I be- 
hold her. May I ask ef that's all o' her? 

Charlie. It's all I feel like marrying. My health 
isn't good. 

Billy. May it please the court — or those present — I 
represent this galaxy of injured innocence. 

Aramantha. I doubt their innocence — ^but it's cer- 
tainly injured ef they've got any. 

Billy. We claim the defendant {Indicating Charlie) 
did wantonly, deceitfully and with malice aforethought, 
individually and severally promise to marry them, and 



82 Unacquainted With Work 

has wrongfully and wickedly refrained from carrying 
out said contract. 

Charlie. Who wouldn't refrain from marrying a 
multiple personality? 

Billy. He has inflicted upon them, individually and 
severally, great pain and inconvenience. 

Aramantha. Ef he had married all them critters I 
reckon they'd hev inflicted greater pain an' inconveni- 
ence on him. 

Billy. In consequence whereof we claim damages for 
them, individually and severally. 

Aramantha. Some on 'em look damaged now — 
'specially that long-jinted one. {Points at Andromeda, 
who is badly dishevelled and mopping a bleeding nose) 
What ails her nose? 

Andromeda {angrily, pointing at Charlie). It's his 
fault. I chased him through the henyard and 

Charlie. Fell down and stepped on it. {Laughs) 

Aramantha {looking at her feet). No wonder it 
bleeds ! 

Billy. Have you any valid reason for not marrying 
my client, Mr. Chester? 

Charlie. If I haven't, the law has. There are too 
many of her. 

Aramantha. An' tew much o' her! {Points at 
Biddy) 

Biddy {enraged). Tew much fer you, ould leddy. 
{Rolls sleeves and starts for her; Billy holds her back) 

Billy. Sh! {To Charlie) We wait your proposal. 

Sally. He done pupposed ter me a 'ready. 

Andromeda. And me ! 

Mandy. Me tew ! 

Biddy. I say me ! 

Billy. We do not expect you to marry all my clients ; 
you must keep your promise to one and settle with the 
others. Which shall it be ? 

Andromeda {quickly). Me! 

Sally. Me tew! 

Mandy. No, me! 



Unacquainted With Work 83 

Biddy. I say me ! 

Aramantha. Now see here, gals. What ye all want 
ter marry him for ? 

Biddy. I'm mad wid Moike — an' a hoosband w'ud be 
handy. 

Sally. I done gwine tali start a restyrang an ' wants 
him fo' de waitah. 

Mandy. I want ter keep him from them other man- 
ketchers — -'sides I need some toothache di'ops. {Shows 
empty flask) 

Andromeda. I need him in ''A Daughter of the 
Gods" business. 

Aramantha. He seems ter be needed in the business 
o' the daughters o' Tom, Dick an' the devil. 

Billy. Silence, ladies. {To Charlie) Which will 
you marry ? 

Andromeda 

Sally 

Mandy 

Biddy 

Billy. All willing, yon see. Say which. ^ 

Andromeda ^ 

BiDDV^ \ i^ogether). Me! 

Sally J 

Billy. Let him speak for himself. {To Charlie) 
Come, sir. 

Charlie {wearily). I don 't care ; any of 'em. 

Andromeda. That's me. I'm any of 'em. 

Sally. No, me! I's any ob 'em mahse'f. 

Biddy. Me ! Me, I tell yez ! 

Mandy. I reckon it's goin' to be me; I'm sutt'nly 
jest as good as any of 'em. {Row icorhed up among 
girls) 

Billy (interfering). Hold on! You'll be sorry for 
this. 

Charlie {recklessly). Oh, let 'em fight it out. I'll 
marry what's left. 

Aramantha {astonished). You don 't mean that I 



(quickly). Me! 



84 Unacquainted With Work 

Charlie. I certainly do. 

Aramantha. You sha'n't! 

Charlie. Sorry, Aunt Aramantha, but I'm of age. 
I cannot carry out all your wishes, neither can I keep 
all my promises. 

ENTER Elsie d. r., Jiead hound up, leaning on Jacob's 

arm, 

Aramantha. I should hope not ! 

Charlie. But I can keep one — and I don't care a con- 
tinental which. 

Aramantha. Not yer promise ter me ! I release you. 

Charlie. I will keep as many as I can, to you and to 
one of these women. 

Billy {having brought girls to order). My clients 
have agreed to leave it to you, Mr. Chester. Take your 
choice. 

Charlie. Very well, I will marry {Looks them 

over) 

Andromeda ^ 

Mandy ( i^f^oerly). Me! 

Biddy J 

Charlie. Don't hurry me. I will decide directly — 
and keep my word before to-morrow night. 

Billy. Decide, then. 

Charlie. Hold your tongue! {Looking at girls) I 
will marry 

Andromeda. ^ 

Sally. I ^^, 

Biddy. [ 

Mandy. J 

Elsie {faintly). Me! 

Aramantha {aside, fervently) . Thank heaven! 

Charlie {dumbfounded). What! 

Elsie {holding out hands). Won't you, Charlie? 
You said you would keep your word this time; I heard 
you. 



Unacquainted With Work 85 

Charlie. I did — and I will keep my word this time. 
{Catches her in his arms) 

Aramantha {more fervently). The Lord be praised! 

Billy (furiously) . You shall pay for this. Wait till 
the damages are awarded. 

Mandy. If there are any. 

Billy (surprised). Aren't you going to bring action 
yourself ? 

Mandy. I reckon not. I 've changed my mind. 

Billy. Why? 

Mandy. I won 't go snucks with no gal in the husband 
business. Besides my tooth don't ache now. 

Billy (enraged). Do as you damn please! (To 
Andromeda) Anyway you'll sue? 

Andromeda. Sure. I won't have my virgin affec- 
tion scorned. 

Aramantha (sotto voce). Vergin' on forty-five. 

Andromeda. Of course I will. 

Mandy. Ef the sheriff '11 let ye. 

Andromeda (starting). What sheriff? 

Mandy. Of the county where ye collected five hun- 
dred dollars for sales of ''A Daughter o' the Gods" — and 
absquatulated with it. 

Andromeda. I never! 

Mandy. Fix that up with the sheriff ; he 's comin ' on 
the next train — an' it jest whistled. 

Andromeda. Darn ''A Daughter of the Gods"! 
(Flings hook and hits Billy in stomach) 

Billy (clapping hands to injury and douhling up). 
Ouch ! 

Aramantha. I didn't think ''A Daughter o' the 
Gods" would make a hit with a son-of-a-gun. (Laughs) 

Andromeda. Business is too pressing for breach of 
promise cases. I've got to leave you. 

Billy (savagely). Here; take your infernal ^* Daugh- 
ter of the Gods."' (Offers look) 

Andromeda. Keep it for legal services. One is worth 
as much as the other. Good-bye. 

[EXIT hastily, d. l., Charlie laughs 



86 Unacquainted With Work 

Billy (furiously). You needn't laugh— curse you! 
You'll marry Miss Sally Sausage or take the conse- 
quences. 

Mandy. Did ye say ' ' Miss, ' ' 'Squire ? 

Billy. To be sure. 

Mandy. You're the one that misses it. 

Billy. What's that? (Turning on Sally) You're 
not married, are you? 

Sally. Not much! 

Mandy (dryly). No — not so very much. 

Billy (to Mandy). What are you hinting at? 

Mandy. Nothin'; I's wonderin* who Mose Sausage 
o' Richmond is? 

Sally (confused). Fo' de Ian' sake! (To Mandy) 
He 's mah bruddah. 

Mandy. He never had no sister an' his wife's name's 
Sally. There's a law agin bigamy. 

Sally (alarmed; aside). Golly! Dat ar' ol' 'ooman 
done know eb'ryt'ing. (Aloud) I want ''A Daughtah 
ob de Gods." 'Scuse me; I's gwinetah kotch Miss 
Dromedary. [EXIT D. l. hastily 

Charlie (laughing again). Your clients grow fewer, 
'Squire. 

Billy. I've one wire to pull yet — ^Miss McMuUen. 
She'll stick. 

Aramantha. Wire! She looks more like a factory 
chimbley. 

Biddy. Sure I'll shtiek, but nobody nadn't think they 
kin pull me. 

Aramantha. Won 't ye give him up ? 

Biddy. Divil a toime ! I '11 have me man or me dam- 
ages. (Aside) Only I wish 'twas Moike. 

Billy (to Charlie). There are two cases against 
you, even if you hadn't stolen the pocketbook. 

Elsie. That is false ! 

Aramantha. He never done it. 

Billy. He'll have a chance to prove that—and he 
never can. 

Mandy. That 's so — but I can. 



Unacquainted With Work S7 

Billy (recoiling). That infernal old woman again! 

Mandy. You clnmb the tree by Mis' Artichoke's 
winder, an' 

Billy (interrupting). It's a lie! I never did. 

Mandy. Ye did; ye said so jest now. 

Elsie. I saw him. He went after my kitten, but I 
didn 't see him come down. 

Mandy. An' took the pocketbook out o' the trunk 

Billy (interrupting furiously) . Another lie! 

Mandy. Then how could ye tell of the robbery before 
Mis' Artichoke did? 

Billy. I didn 't. Whom did I tell ? 

Jacob. Me — when ye axed me ter search Charlie 
Chester's room. 

Mandy (to Billy). What was you doin' there jest 
afore? 

Billy. I wasn't there. 

Mandy. Yis ye was — ye hid that bond in Charlie's 
trunk. 

BihJuY (desperately). More lies! Who saw me there? 

Biddy., Me ; I seen yez coomin ' out — but how the divil 
did ould Marrum Murruch know that? 

Mandy. Mebbe I dreamt it — an' mebbe ye told Bennie 
Bellhopp an' he didn't fergit, 

Billy (savagely). Damn you! Since you know so 
much, what did I do with the pocketbook? 

Mandy. Hid it in the holler pear-tree in the yard. 
Here 'tis, Mis' Artichoke. (Hands it to her) 

ENTER Bennie d. c. 

Aramantra. Mandy Murch, you're a wonder! 
(Opens it) 

Billy (ivildly). All lies! I never went near the 
pear-tree. 

Mandy. Yis ye did; the tracks are there an' yer 
shews fit 'em. I tried 'em. 

Billy. Then somebody else wore 'em. Who saw me 
there? 



88 Unacquainted With Work 

Bennie. Me, I seen ye peekin' inter the big knot- 
hole. 

Billy. It 's a conspiracy. I '11 not stay and be ruined. 
(Rushes L.) 

Mandy (commandingly) . Stop! Stop him! 

Biddy (confronting him). Hould on, ye shpalpane! 

Billy (furiously) . Out of my way, you she-elephant I 
(Flings her aside) 

ENTER Mike d. l., and collides with Billy. 

Mike (angrily). Phwat the divil d'ye mane? Coom 
back and ixplain yersilf. (Collars him and drags him 
hack) 

Billy (struggling). I won't. Let go! (Strikes at 
him) 

Mike. Wud yez, though ? (Boxes his ears) Betther 
not thry thot on the coomin' champeen. (Drags him 
hack; Mandy crosses over) 

Biddy. Oh Moike darlint! it's mesilf'U love yez for- 
iver fer thot. Marry Masther Charrules termorry, Miss 
Ilsie, an' I will Moike — ef he'll only lit me. (Plunges 
headfirst at Mike, who releases Billy to catch her) 

Mike. Course. Why not terday? Look oop an' face 
phwat 's coomin' ter yez. (Gives her tremendous smack) 

Billy. These lovey-doveys make me sick. I '11 be off. 
(Darts L.) 

Mandy. Don't be too sure, Mr. Briefless. (Hand- 
cuffs him) 

Billy (staggering hack). In God's name, who are 
you? 

Mandy (dropping skirt and shawl and removing h on- 
net, wig, handan'a, etc., with sweeping how). Justus 
Ketchum of the Pinkerton D>etective Agency — at your 
service! 

CURTAIN 



WWW^ftft^^^^/^AffA^AMAftA^WAftA/WAW^W^AMAAW 



PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

Fifteen Cents Each (Postage, 1 Cent Extra) 

Unless Otherwise Mentioned 



Acts Males Females Time 



Arabian Nights 
Bundle of Matches (27c.) 
Crawford's Claim (27c.) 
Her Ladyship's Niece (27c.) 
Just for Fun (27c.) 

Men, Maids, Matchmakers 
Our Boys 
Puzzled Detective 
Three Hats 
Timothy Delano's 

Courtship 
Up-to-Date Anne 
White Shawl 
Fleeing Flyer 
From Punkin' Ridge 
Handy Solomon 
Hoosier School 
Kiss in the Dark 
Larry 
Love Birds' Matrimonial 

Agency 
Married Lovers 
Ma's New Boarders (27c.) 
Mrs. Forester's Crusade 
New Pastor 
Relations 

Standing Room Only 
Stormy Night 
Surprises 
Tangles 

Little Rogue Next 
'Till Three P. M. 
Train to Mauro 
When Women Rule 
Won by a Kodak 
April Fools 
Fun in a Schoolroom 
Little Red Mare 
Manager's Trials 
Mcdica 

Mischievous Bob 
Cheerful Companion 
Dolly's Double 
Drifted Apart 
Gentle Touch 
John's Emmy 
Point of "View 
Professor's Truant Glove 
Belles of Blackville 
Sweet Family (27c.) 

Conspirators (27c.) 

A Day and a Night (27c.) 
Gertrude Mason, M.D. (27c.) 
In Other People's Shoes 
Maidens All Forlorn (27c.) 
Mary Ann 
Romance of Phyllis (27c.) 

s. Feathers 
Tanglefoot vs. Peruna 
Great Libel Case 



(27c.) 
(27c.) 
Door 



Farce 


3 


4 


6 


2y4h 


Comedy 


2 


1 


7 


iy2h 


Drama 


3 


9 


8 


2y4h 
iy2h 


Comedy 


4 


4 


4 


" 


8 


2 


4 


2h 


" (27c.) 


3 


4 


4 


2h 




3 


6 


4 


2h 


Farce 


3 


5 


3 


Ih 




3 


5 


4 


2h 



Comedy 

(27c.) Farce 

Drama 
Farce 



Comedy 
Farce 

Sketch 

Farce 

Comedy 



Farce 



Comedy 
Farce 



Comedy 
Dialogue 



Minstrel 

Entertainment 

Comedy 

Farce 
Comedy 




4 

4 
4 
2 
2 
1 
1 
1 
3 
2 
3 
1 
1 
4 
3 






2 
1 
1 
1 
1 
1 
1 
any no. 



Ih 
Ih 
iy2h 
ly^h 

iy4h 

20m 
30m 
45m 
45m 

80m 

45m 

80m 

80m 

30m 

20m 

35m 

40m 

80m 

30m 

40m 

20m 

15m 

15m 

50m 

30m 

40m 

85m 

45m 

35m 

40m 

25m 

20m 

30m 

30m 

20m 

20m 

20m 

2h 

Ih 

40m 

Ih 

80m 

50m 

ly^h 

30m 

iy4h 

80m 

iy2h 

2h 



■ «! 



PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

For Schools and Colleges 

Twenty-five cents (Postage 2 cents extra) 

Acts Males Females Time 



Irish Eden 

Kidnapped Freshman 

Matrimoni J TiCF 

Little Savage 

Lodgers Taken In 

Miss Mosher of Colorado 

Miss Neptune 

My Uncle from India 

Never Again 

New England Folks 

Next iDoor 

Oak Farm 

Riddles 

Rosebrook Farm 

Stubborn Motor Car 

Too Many Husbands 

When a Man's Single 

Where the Lane Turned 

After the Honeymoon 

Biscuits and Bills 

Chance at Midnight 

Conquest of Helen 

The Coward 

Sheriff of Tuckahoe 

Bashful Mr. Bobbs 

Whose Widow 

Alice's Blighted Profes- 
sion 

Regular Girls 

100% American 

Parlor Patriots 

Fads and Fancies 

Mr. Loring's Aunts 

My Son ArthEr 

Sewing Circle Meets 

Every Senior 

Bride and Groom 

Last Chance 

Bubbles 

Hurricane Wooing 

Peggy's Predicament 

Found in a Closet 

Slacker (?) for the Cause 

Baby Scott 

Biily's Bungalow 

College Chums 

Delegates from Denver 

Football Romance 

Held for Postage 

In the Absence of Susan 

Transaction in Stocks 

Aunt Dinah's Quilting 
Party 

Bachelor Maids' Reunion 

In the Ferry House 

Rustic Minstrel Show 

Ye Village Skewl of Long 
Ago 

Rainbow Kimona 

Rosemary 

Pharaoh's Knob 



Comedy 
Farce 
Farce 
Comedy 



Farce 
Drama 
Comedy 
Comedy 



Farce 
Comedy 

Farce 

Comedy 

Drama 

Comedy 

Drama 

Western 

Comedy 

Sketch 



Sk. 



Entertainment 
Comedy 

Sketch 
Comedy 

Entertainment 
Morality play 
Farce 
Comedy 



Sketch 

Farce 

Comedy 

Farce 

Comedy 

Farce 

Comedy 
Entertainment 



Comedy 



^^fliWAflA^MAftMA■ 



6 
4 
1 
4 
4 
3 
8 
4 
5 
4 
4 
4 
8 
9 
4 
4 
4 
6 
3 
1 
1 
2 
? 
1 
7 
4 
8 

any no. 
15 
12 
17 
13 

8 
10 

8 

5 
12 

3 

3 

5 

3 

1 

4 

4 

3 
10 

4 



4 
4 
4 
5 

2 

15 

any no. 

any no. 


1 



1 
11 

any no. 

11 
any no. 

any no. 
9 
14 
12 



2h 
2y4h 
Ih 
2h 

2y2h 

2h 
li/4h 

2y3h 

2h 

2%h 

2h 

2y2h 

IVih 

l%h 

2y2h 

2h 

2h 

2h 

50m 

ly^h 

25m 

Ih 

30m 

Ih 

2y2h 

50m 

50m 

Ih 

iy2h 
ih 

Ih 

ly^h 

%h 

ly^h 

40m 
2y4h 
lyah 
iy2h 
lyah 

y2h 

20m 

20m 

2y4h 

2h 

2h 

%h 

2%h 

iy4h 

iy2h 

45m 

2h 

iy2h 
iy2h 

iy2h 

2h 

lyoh 
iy2h 

Ih 



LIBRARY 



OF CONGRESS 

lllilllll 




017 401 849 



